With my birthday being tomorrow, I look back today and really realize where life is and wonder how in the world I made it this far? Some may be wondering exactly what in the world this "child" may be talking about, but really after all the things I've said, done, and gone through...sometimes it just more amazing than I would like to realize sometimes. Today would've been Dimon's 21st birthday, my sister is 1 year away from graduatings HS (this boggles me the most haha), michelle is having her first baby (and yes it will come out lol :), me and Daphma just started looking for apartment stuff this past weekend, more new people keep comin to check out church!, my youngest sister is 14, im finally going to the west coast next week, lindsey still hasnt beat up anyone at work LOL...its just one of those years where you look back for a second and your completly floored for a moment.
Tomorrow is the day I legally turn 21, we started celebrating me bday 2 weekends ago :) I can legally drink, smoke, rent a car in Nevada lol. I've already had a puff from a cig, a drink (strawberry daq), so its time to rent the car LOL. The license needs to get updated, and whatever picture comes out this time I'll have till I turn 25! Are they aiming us to have these moments all the time ;) For me, it's kinda nice to have something I wasn't allowed to do, but now there's no holds barred. I can still look fwd to 25 being then I can finally rent a car from enterprise in PA with no extra charges haha. Hey its a start :)
Turning 18, I scratched my esophugus (or however the correct spelling shall be!) so therefore those first 2 weeks of Dec where pretty memorable being I couldn't eat much. For 19, I had some people come over my parents house and needless to say I'm not much of a party thrower lol. 20, I had a party up at Minister Dietra's house with siesie, marcel, minister d, and mama brown. Small but probably the best birthday I've had in a few years. Of course next this this years! Being last years event was turned out well, we are going to do it again this year. Except just more people! So for my 21'st bday it will hold a small bible study and then a shindig party afterwards. Some people may think being im not getting "trashed" that its pretty uneventful, but honestly I would rather remember it the way I am then not knowing what happened when.
People keep asking what it is that I want for my bday....well cash for the new place would be lovely...or any free gift is widely accepted, but for the more moral answer & what I would appreciate more is the same as last years...your time. Money can be thrown in a card, gift can be wrapped and dropped off, but when you actually have to make adjustments in your schedule or can just come up, means a lot. When someone puts effort or believes in something i'm doing is not only encouraging...but really is that extra foot in the back that keeps me out there getting to know new people like them.
As I said before, during my reflection time...I would be lying if I said I wasn't thinking about Dimon more so now this time of year. Honestly its something you can ever just stop thinking about, nor would want to. This year though I'm focusing more on the effect he had on me here rather than how I was after he left. With God's help the pain has decreased over the past 4 years, but I still miss him a lot. There's nothing that can change that. So I just watch the one video I have of him and sit back and laugh for moments on end. Some people don't know what the feeling is like when you lose someone your extremely close with, and I'm glad because its the worst feeling in the world especially only being 17. But that time will come, and when it does I hope they understand more than I ever did.
A few of us where talking I believe it was last week about funerals or something like that for only a minute or 2 because of an email that was sent out. It said something to the affect of "Everyone was smiling when you where born, you where crying.....at your death you'll be smiling and everyone else crying." It was something along those lines, but I just sat back and was like WOW. I told them that at my funeral I want it to be like church, all partyin and having a good time. Granted I know the reality of it, but I would rather have someone from my church hold something fun rather than a "remember me" mass. I know where I'm headed and im not upset by any means of it. I'm put here to do the things that God desires me to do and experience. When that time is up, I hope like Dimon, there are many people that think back to things that I've done or said that really makes them think and wonder about God. At church we laugh, joke around, have a good time to say the least, but ultimatly come together and stick by each other. Which really is what church should be.
So for those that wanna know what I really want for my bday? It's for you to come check out my bday shindig at bible study, or/and check out church this sunday. I took the day off from my camera lol, so I don't have to be there till 11am. So lemme know if you would like to go and check something new out for the day. Like I said before if you would like to help out with the new apartment instead thats fine, but if you made an effort to come check out something that normally you wouldn't...that means a lot more than anything you could get me from a store. My greatest lesson learned it tomorrow is never guarenteed whether your 1 day old or 100.
------------------------------------
"Whats your name?"
"Dimon Brown"
"And what department are you from"
"Computer Programming"
"What do you guys do in there?"
"We program computers :) haha"
--Always Rememberin D--
November 30, 1983 - December 8th, 2000
November 30, 2004
November 18, 2004
God can you hear me?
Every wednesday night I have a bible study meeting that I go to from my church. Last night though on the ride home from work I just had this feeling that I wasn't supposed to go this week by myself. So i made a phone call to who I thought it could be, and after I did the feeling still didn't leave. No reply back from them. I got home and told God straight up "I know your voice, and I know what your telling me so I don't wanna play a guessing game, I just can't hear clear who". So I got online really not even thinkin about it, and started talkin to my friend Greg who goes to my church but has been away because of work for a while. Now bible study starts at 7:30, so I like to leave around 6:45 so I can get there early and talk with everyone. Well 6:45 came, the feeling is still there, and no one is really clickin with me still to ask. So once again me and God have another moment LOL: "OK you have my attention lol, I know theres supposed to be someone, so by 7pm I know who they are, they agree and im on my way to get em" I knew I was supposed to ask 3 people, the 1st one maybe just needed to be reminded that the option is always there, but here in 15 min im supposed to ask 2 more people when no one is really coming online? I knew though that things would work out like they always do.
6:49 Daphma comes online. Without waiting a second, I ask her what shes doin. There was no need to try and convince her to come, or even moment of discouragement, she said ok & agreed to come check it out. I LOVE bible study & Church and when I can bring someone to experience whats really out there, its just the best feeling. It's kinda like writing things like this out, and knowing someone may read it and get something out of it that they never where expecting. I used to ask people ALL the time if they wanted to come to church with me, and wether it be about the reasons they have now, or from past experiences most people tend to decline. There are those that are willing to give it a chance no matter if they already have something that they believe or if they don't. To those that decline, lemme just ask one thing "If you have something, and you really believe in it and trust it, then if you went somewhere to *humor* someone at the least extent, are you really scared what you have really isn't what is meant for you? Correct me if I'm wrong but if you stand strong in something and that's meant for you no matter where you go nothing can change that unless it's supposed to. But I'll just go along with it just to *humor* ya'll lol.
Daphma and myself have had the most interesting friendship that I've ever had with anyone lol. When you click with someone with not just "the reg stuff" such as what your favorite things are, but on a deeper respect such as you both believe in the same thing, and the same values...then that just takes it so much deeper. Now she has her story about what happened yesterday, and it wasn't a shot in the dark that I asked her either. It was meant to happen. She got to see, like I wish many of my friends would, how church really should be, and how its different from anything else most of us have experienced. The people are unbelievably nice, open to anything you might have to say, and want to see you succeed in what God has planned out for you. It's really something you can't debate about unless you check it out. Even if it's not for you, then you still get a new outlook that church doesnt have to be this bad place if your not a weekly member or someone with authority. The fact is, the second you come to my church wether you go once or attend weekly, your still gonna get hit with that love that comes out so naturally its eye-opening. You can't fake something like that, theres no gossip, and we all genuinually care about each other. Wether it be church, or even bible study you can still see it so clearly. We don't have to be someone we're not to try and please someone, you come as you are, and thats really why I love it as much as I do.
I'm open to a friendship no matter how it comes, but know with that comes faith. I know when theres somoeone I'm supposed to affect even if its by me doing nothing that what I regularly do. But those that are hurting from whatever reason, just know that I know and I won't pry. If you want to open up you can and i'm always around no matter if your someone I used to be friends with, am friends with now, never met except for that day, or someone I even work with and see all the time. There's a reason why we meet the people we do, just like there was a reason Daphma was the one that was supposed to come with me to bible study. When God wants you to hear something and you for some reason aren't getting it from him, he ALWAYS finds another way for you to get the message.
(BTW the 3rd person I asked was Greg to see if he was coming but he was still at work lol)
6:49 Daphma comes online. Without waiting a second, I ask her what shes doin. There was no need to try and convince her to come, or even moment of discouragement, she said ok & agreed to come check it out. I LOVE bible study & Church and when I can bring someone to experience whats really out there, its just the best feeling. It's kinda like writing things like this out, and knowing someone may read it and get something out of it that they never where expecting. I used to ask people ALL the time if they wanted to come to church with me, and wether it be about the reasons they have now, or from past experiences most people tend to decline. There are those that are willing to give it a chance no matter if they already have something that they believe or if they don't. To those that decline, lemme just ask one thing "If you have something, and you really believe in it and trust it, then if you went somewhere to *humor* someone at the least extent, are you really scared what you have really isn't what is meant for you? Correct me if I'm wrong but if you stand strong in something and that's meant for you no matter where you go nothing can change that unless it's supposed to. But I'll just go along with it just to *humor* ya'll lol.
Daphma and myself have had the most interesting friendship that I've ever had with anyone lol. When you click with someone with not just "the reg stuff" such as what your favorite things are, but on a deeper respect such as you both believe in the same thing, and the same values...then that just takes it so much deeper. Now she has her story about what happened yesterday, and it wasn't a shot in the dark that I asked her either. It was meant to happen. She got to see, like I wish many of my friends would, how church really should be, and how its different from anything else most of us have experienced. The people are unbelievably nice, open to anything you might have to say, and want to see you succeed in what God has planned out for you. It's really something you can't debate about unless you check it out. Even if it's not for you, then you still get a new outlook that church doesnt have to be this bad place if your not a weekly member or someone with authority. The fact is, the second you come to my church wether you go once or attend weekly, your still gonna get hit with that love that comes out so naturally its eye-opening. You can't fake something like that, theres no gossip, and we all genuinually care about each other. Wether it be church, or even bible study you can still see it so clearly. We don't have to be someone we're not to try and please someone, you come as you are, and thats really why I love it as much as I do.
I'm open to a friendship no matter how it comes, but know with that comes faith. I know when theres somoeone I'm supposed to affect even if its by me doing nothing that what I regularly do. But those that are hurting from whatever reason, just know that I know and I won't pry. If you want to open up you can and i'm always around no matter if your someone I used to be friends with, am friends with now, never met except for that day, or someone I even work with and see all the time. There's a reason why we meet the people we do, just like there was a reason Daphma was the one that was supposed to come with me to bible study. When God wants you to hear something and you for some reason aren't getting it from him, he ALWAYS finds another way for you to get the message.
(BTW the 3rd person I asked was Greg to see if he was coming but he was still at work lol)
November 12, 2004
Joan Of Arcadia
Since last year i've been caught on watching this friday night show called Joan Of Arcadia. Its one of the shows that I actually aim to watch especially since its on at the end of the week. What it is, its about a girl going through High School, who interacts with God pretty much on a daily basis. Now God can be a person at any given time on the show, it changes from week to week, but they always challenge her reguardless. At the end of last season (which was their 1st year on the air) they put "Joan" on pills and basically had her see a shrink because her family and friends thought she was going nuts. Since that incident the mother reached out for some sort of reasoning for life, but thats pretty much it.
Tonights episode was about "Joan" and her boyfriend "Adam"s first date. They where one of those couples that where friends for a long while and eventually things changed over. Well this episode was to explore their first BIG date. To back up a little bit, theirs been an actress on the show by the name of Sprague Grayden who plays "Judith". She met "Joan" at this program which they attended over the summer and from there shes had a few really good spots on the show. Well since becoming the best friend, she helped "Joan and Adam" each out to make the night go smoother. The date went as planned, in fact "Judith" called "Joan" in the middle of it just to bust their chops lol. Needless to say the phone call was short, but the storyline only got more real. The date ended but they found out that "judith" was involved in a stabbing and that things where serious. The hospital scene was prob about 10 minutes or so.
What I like about this show is that there is always some message to be seen. At the start of the show, Judith tried to teach Joan how to juggle. An inbetween they would show her attempting to do this. Well in the hospital room Judith asked Joan to juggle for her to see if she could really could do it. She did it, and then she wounds up losing her friend. The way they did it, really was deep, i dont know if many people really kept attention to it after realizing this young girl lost her friend. The deep part was though that after persistence this girl who actually wanted to live now and overcome her past taught her friend something she never knew how to do, and she died in peace about it.
Now granted this is a show, and yes i know their all actors and such....the thing is though that the way its done and put together is pretty real. If you've lost someone at a young age, which doesnt seem to be far and few between which is sad, you can really relate, at least to this episode. Maybe not to all of it, but to the guilt part that the friends started to go over and over in their heads. The moral linking though was that everyone is crossing a bridge, and in order to get across you sometimes need to juggle your emotions with the given situation. Bad choices, Good Ones, Bad Friends, Good Ones, Light and Dark....theres always a decision that needs to be made. What people dont know is is that the decisions you make you inevitably end or prolong your life longer.
They touch on a lot of topics for instance "joan"s brother is in a wheelchair because of the fact his friend that drove drunk one night after the party crashed his car...and needless to say thats what happened. Another issue was alcoholism, drug use, the decision of to follow your mind or what you trust, how to stand your ground if no one believes in you.....things like that. It's honestly something I think everyone should honestly catch sometime if they have a chance. It's one of those shows that isn't hard to catch up on if you pay attention. Once again I would like to Thank CBS for taking a huge leap of faith on this show because without it, many people wouldn't be having their questions and thoughts outlined on national tv. Questions are being answered and real issues are being faced. No more of this whos sleepin with who and what looks better with these shoes. I'm just hopeful the continuation of this show is long to come!
Tonights episode was about "Joan" and her boyfriend "Adam"s first date. They where one of those couples that where friends for a long while and eventually things changed over. Well this episode was to explore their first BIG date. To back up a little bit, theirs been an actress on the show by the name of Sprague Grayden who plays "Judith". She met "Joan" at this program which they attended over the summer and from there shes had a few really good spots on the show. Well since becoming the best friend, she helped "Joan and Adam" each out to make the night go smoother. The date went as planned, in fact "Judith" called "Joan" in the middle of it just to bust their chops lol. Needless to say the phone call was short, but the storyline only got more real. The date ended but they found out that "judith" was involved in a stabbing and that things where serious. The hospital scene was prob about 10 minutes or so.
What I like about this show is that there is always some message to be seen. At the start of the show, Judith tried to teach Joan how to juggle. An inbetween they would show her attempting to do this. Well in the hospital room Judith asked Joan to juggle for her to see if she could really could do it. She did it, and then she wounds up losing her friend. The way they did it, really was deep, i dont know if many people really kept attention to it after realizing this young girl lost her friend. The deep part was though that after persistence this girl who actually wanted to live now and overcome her past taught her friend something she never knew how to do, and she died in peace about it.
Now granted this is a show, and yes i know their all actors and such....the thing is though that the way its done and put together is pretty real. If you've lost someone at a young age, which doesnt seem to be far and few between which is sad, you can really relate, at least to this episode. Maybe not to all of it, but to the guilt part that the friends started to go over and over in their heads. The moral linking though was that everyone is crossing a bridge, and in order to get across you sometimes need to juggle your emotions with the given situation. Bad choices, Good Ones, Bad Friends, Good Ones, Light and Dark....theres always a decision that needs to be made. What people dont know is is that the decisions you make you inevitably end or prolong your life longer.
They touch on a lot of topics for instance "joan"s brother is in a wheelchair because of the fact his friend that drove drunk one night after the party crashed his car...and needless to say thats what happened. Another issue was alcoholism, drug use, the decision of to follow your mind or what you trust, how to stand your ground if no one believes in you.....things like that. It's honestly something I think everyone should honestly catch sometime if they have a chance. It's one of those shows that isn't hard to catch up on if you pay attention. Once again I would like to Thank CBS for taking a huge leap of faith on this show because without it, many people wouldn't be having their questions and thoughts outlined on national tv. Questions are being answered and real issues are being faced. No more of this whos sleepin with who and what looks better with these shoes. I'm just hopeful the continuation of this show is long to come!
November 09, 2004
Taking a leap...
I should come up with a course "The things they never taught you how to do growing up" lol. It's happened once again, and you think by this point I really wouldn't be amazed with how God works in my life...but really I am, everyday. Lemme get to my story.
Work went amazingly quick and with minimual situations, so therefore I was pretty pleased. I came to remember that my dad's birthday is wednesday, but I had bible study. So I spoke with my mom and she just told me to come up to the house last night and have dinner being everyone would be at the house. For those that aren't aware my grandmother passed away, a year ago today, and being its the day before my dad's birthday now we're kinda feeling out how its gonna play a part. Really it shouldn't but even I know that no matter how hard I pray anniversary's of things still are sticking out in my mind.
So I went up to their house, and not even 2 minutes in the door my little sister comes running up to me explainin that someone I used to work with at my last job was looking to get back into contact with me. My family has a thing to of giving out my cell phone number without me knowing, don't ask me why, but being them they just do. To get deeper, it turns out that this girl bought a house in the same neighborhood and really wasn't that far away. So after dinner and yet another evening of listening to Bill Maher or however you spell his name, I decided I had to get going. If i can make it out of that house without one argument then its pretty much a shock ESPECIALLY if my whole family is there! Thats how different we all grew to be. I'm the "radical christian" in my brothers eyes lol. Oh well! I didn't know believing in something is now seen as radical, but what can ya do...i'll pray for ya man ;) lol.
So after I left I decided to go down to the good ol' crossings outlets. I decided that if there was anyone giving out my info to anyone I used to talk with its gonna be me. So I sucked up whatever I had in me and headed inside the store. Things ended really bad with her, the way I saw things being done was I was blamed for her marriage not working out. Apparently I come to find that that wasn't even a reason but I said some things that I shouldn't of said especially being a baby christian at the time. In my eyes then I always tried to make relationships work out, especially a marriage, but there was just too much that had happened (that i had nothing to do with lol) that it really was time to move on. So after an infamous fight we stopped talking about 2 years ago.
We talked for prob a good 30-45 min and caught up on a lot. I won't go into whats happened throughout her life, but its just amazing how much time has gone past. She didn't even know the house she bought was near my parents, and my mom went into the store a few night ago to pick up a few things. At my old job, being I started working there a month after Dimon died in January 2001, I litterally went through the hardest part of my life with these people. So we always used to talk about what I would do on my *21'st bday* lol. Being me and her also share the same bday, I guess thats what got her thinking again being it is coming up really soon.
A lot of people from my past have been coming back lately, ever since seeing Jasmine at church, everyday I think is "welcome to Kelly's life, how did your friendship break apart" :) It's just great though no matter how big or small these relationships where to me, God still gives me a chance to mend them. Some people hold on to the hurt of the past, like I used to too well...but what's the point? Life is too short to do that. I know theres one teacher I need to stop running from and apoligize to. My mind would like to tell me that she isn't owed an apology, you know those situations? But I know its the right thing to do, so I just need to do it already. If I could apologize to Mrs. Laughna I can apologize to anyone lol!
Theres no point in staying mad at people, and if you do reconcile with someone, that doesn't mean you need to pick up the peices right where you left off. Maybe you where just put there to mend the situation, but if you can rebuild something off of that then be really proud. This girl told me that im still the same person I used to be, personality wise, which honestly I am glad about. If anything is gonna stay the same i'm glad its that. I told her about the adventures with all the people I've had the chance to meet and she said something that stuck.
"You never give up thats why things happen". I never really thought about it like that. I kinda just see everything as possible, so therefore there has to be a way for things to work out. I gave up on giving up. That took away too much time and life away, so I just do what I'm lead to do. Taking the chance even if the jump looks to be impossible. I've had way too many experiences to show me otherwise.
I gotta wrap this up being its time to get ready for work!, but if you want something bad enough, or want to clear up a situation that may seem "impossible" to fix just wait till the right time. You'll know when the right time is, because they'll happen to run into your family and they will in turn give out your cell phone number HAHA! But really a feeling just comes over you to contact that person that maybe you never thought of again, so just pray about it and go from there. Because of my grandmothers death, I got a chance to rebuild bridges with my family that I hardly ever saw growing up, and I got a cousin back out of the deal. Things work out for a reason. Just stop trying to figure out what that reason is, and just trust it.
Work went amazingly quick and with minimual situations, so therefore I was pretty pleased. I came to remember that my dad's birthday is wednesday, but I had bible study. So I spoke with my mom and she just told me to come up to the house last night and have dinner being everyone would be at the house. For those that aren't aware my grandmother passed away, a year ago today, and being its the day before my dad's birthday now we're kinda feeling out how its gonna play a part. Really it shouldn't but even I know that no matter how hard I pray anniversary's of things still are sticking out in my mind.
So I went up to their house, and not even 2 minutes in the door my little sister comes running up to me explainin that someone I used to work with at my last job was looking to get back into contact with me. My family has a thing to of giving out my cell phone number without me knowing, don't ask me why, but being them they just do. To get deeper, it turns out that this girl bought a house in the same neighborhood and really wasn't that far away. So after dinner and yet another evening of listening to Bill Maher or however you spell his name, I decided I had to get going. If i can make it out of that house without one argument then its pretty much a shock ESPECIALLY if my whole family is there! Thats how different we all grew to be. I'm the "radical christian" in my brothers eyes lol. Oh well! I didn't know believing in something is now seen as radical, but what can ya do...i'll pray for ya man ;) lol.
So after I left I decided to go down to the good ol' crossings outlets. I decided that if there was anyone giving out my info to anyone I used to talk with its gonna be me. So I sucked up whatever I had in me and headed inside the store. Things ended really bad with her, the way I saw things being done was I was blamed for her marriage not working out. Apparently I come to find that that wasn't even a reason but I said some things that I shouldn't of said especially being a baby christian at the time. In my eyes then I always tried to make relationships work out, especially a marriage, but there was just too much that had happened (that i had nothing to do with lol) that it really was time to move on. So after an infamous fight we stopped talking about 2 years ago.
We talked for prob a good 30-45 min and caught up on a lot. I won't go into whats happened throughout her life, but its just amazing how much time has gone past. She didn't even know the house she bought was near my parents, and my mom went into the store a few night ago to pick up a few things. At my old job, being I started working there a month after Dimon died in January 2001, I litterally went through the hardest part of my life with these people. So we always used to talk about what I would do on my *21'st bday* lol. Being me and her also share the same bday, I guess thats what got her thinking again being it is coming up really soon.
A lot of people from my past have been coming back lately, ever since seeing Jasmine at church, everyday I think is "welcome to Kelly's life, how did your friendship break apart" :) It's just great though no matter how big or small these relationships where to me, God still gives me a chance to mend them. Some people hold on to the hurt of the past, like I used to too well...but what's the point? Life is too short to do that. I know theres one teacher I need to stop running from and apoligize to. My mind would like to tell me that she isn't owed an apology, you know those situations? But I know its the right thing to do, so I just need to do it already. If I could apologize to Mrs. Laughna I can apologize to anyone lol!
Theres no point in staying mad at people, and if you do reconcile with someone, that doesn't mean you need to pick up the peices right where you left off. Maybe you where just put there to mend the situation, but if you can rebuild something off of that then be really proud. This girl told me that im still the same person I used to be, personality wise, which honestly I am glad about. If anything is gonna stay the same i'm glad its that. I told her about the adventures with all the people I've had the chance to meet and she said something that stuck.
"You never give up thats why things happen". I never really thought about it like that. I kinda just see everything as possible, so therefore there has to be a way for things to work out. I gave up on giving up. That took away too much time and life away, so I just do what I'm lead to do. Taking the chance even if the jump looks to be impossible. I've had way too many experiences to show me otherwise.
I gotta wrap this up being its time to get ready for work!, but if you want something bad enough, or want to clear up a situation that may seem "impossible" to fix just wait till the right time. You'll know when the right time is, because they'll happen to run into your family and they will in turn give out your cell phone number HAHA! But really a feeling just comes over you to contact that person that maybe you never thought of again, so just pray about it and go from there. Because of my grandmothers death, I got a chance to rebuild bridges with my family that I hardly ever saw growing up, and I got a cousin back out of the deal. Things work out for a reason. Just stop trying to figure out what that reason is, and just trust it.
October 03, 2004
Good Day
Yes, I know...its been a while since I've actually written something...but its been an interesting week or 2 so that alone needs some time to soak in! Thats really what today was for especially. A day of just sitting back and really seeing life in front of me.
Church was really great today, I got to hear and think about a lot thats been going on with my life lately. The best part though was that my friend Lillian and Greg came which i havent seen in a while. If you remember from a few posts back I mentioned about one of these other girls joining our house of God, Jasmine. Well today was the first time that her, Lillian and myself where in the same room again. Who wouldve thought that after all these years, the place we would meet up again would be church after all we've been through. I know I surely didn't but God did. I actually got to the point where I almost cried which never happens! Thats how hard it really hit about how thankful I was that we all gathered again in, especially in church. You have no idea. Though our lives are seperate now its still great how memories re-surface. Lillian mentioned something today like *You know its funny when I saw you on stage today videotaping. It hit me like all those years of taping our nonsense and your actually back behind the camera again*. I couldn't explain it then, but we all know now that the things we did got us together but its also those gifts that mold us and stick around. I can remember our first home movie...pasta with sausage haha. Now look where things are. Amazing.
I thought a lot about how much time really has flown lately. With all that I've done as well as my friends and family...its mindblowing. One day my friends child was born, and now its 4 months later? how is that possible haha. Its all just gone so quick. I'm greatful for it though, even the lessons that take a knock in the head for me to realize. In the end it always seems to be much more than what I started. I appreciate it all so much, especially my church family. Even though some of us are so different, we still click so amazingly well because God brought us together. I lived my life for a long time without faith in anything, and lord can tell ya I dont think I've ever been more blessed than I am now. I can only imagine whats next.
Sure unexpected things happen, things pop up and plans change...but if its something really worth waiting for, then theres nothing to worry about. I spoke with Daphma tonite and even though things we planned during the week really wont plan out like the layout haha, I was more happy to actually hear from her and know that she was considerate enough to let me know so far in advance. I know God has his hand on her life, and everything she does I know is for a reason. I remember when I was cool with people just letting me know the nite before...Good God what was wrong with me haha.
If I never came to the realization I did, as quick as I did, I really don't wanna imagine where my life would've ended up. I would like to think God would've hit me in the face and woke me up eventually...but I don't believe I would've been sain to actually see it. Sure we're given the power of free will, but the fact remains that if you live in a life of sin no matter how large your not gonna recieve the full blessing that God really has there out in his hand for you. He wants you to have it more than you ever could...just a matter of getting things straight again. Sure we can mess up from time to time...but after a while is it really all worth it? For those that really matter are the ones that touch your soul when just aiming for your heart. The ones that try even though they really dont need to. More importantly the ones that actually make the effort to get to know you instead of the ones just doing the same things over and over thinking that maybe you'll never want to change. Maybe you think that your stuck...but you have a say in what the end result really is. Free Will. But whatever decisions you make you will be held accountable. I didn't change my life without changing my enviorment. Sometimes its really that simple.
Church was really great today, I got to hear and think about a lot thats been going on with my life lately. The best part though was that my friend Lillian and Greg came which i havent seen in a while. If you remember from a few posts back I mentioned about one of these other girls joining our house of God, Jasmine. Well today was the first time that her, Lillian and myself where in the same room again. Who wouldve thought that after all these years, the place we would meet up again would be church after all we've been through. I know I surely didn't but God did. I actually got to the point where I almost cried which never happens! Thats how hard it really hit about how thankful I was that we all gathered again in, especially in church. You have no idea. Though our lives are seperate now its still great how memories re-surface. Lillian mentioned something today like *You know its funny when I saw you on stage today videotaping. It hit me like all those years of taping our nonsense and your actually back behind the camera again*. I couldn't explain it then, but we all know now that the things we did got us together but its also those gifts that mold us and stick around. I can remember our first home movie...pasta with sausage haha. Now look where things are. Amazing.
I thought a lot about how much time really has flown lately. With all that I've done as well as my friends and family...its mindblowing. One day my friends child was born, and now its 4 months later? how is that possible haha. Its all just gone so quick. I'm greatful for it though, even the lessons that take a knock in the head for me to realize. In the end it always seems to be much more than what I started. I appreciate it all so much, especially my church family. Even though some of us are so different, we still click so amazingly well because God brought us together. I lived my life for a long time without faith in anything, and lord can tell ya I dont think I've ever been more blessed than I am now. I can only imagine whats next.
Sure unexpected things happen, things pop up and plans change...but if its something really worth waiting for, then theres nothing to worry about. I spoke with Daphma tonite and even though things we planned during the week really wont plan out like the layout haha, I was more happy to actually hear from her and know that she was considerate enough to let me know so far in advance. I know God has his hand on her life, and everything she does I know is for a reason. I remember when I was cool with people just letting me know the nite before...Good God what was wrong with me haha.
If I never came to the realization I did, as quick as I did, I really don't wanna imagine where my life would've ended up. I would like to think God would've hit me in the face and woke me up eventually...but I don't believe I would've been sain to actually see it. Sure we're given the power of free will, but the fact remains that if you live in a life of sin no matter how large your not gonna recieve the full blessing that God really has there out in his hand for you. He wants you to have it more than you ever could...just a matter of getting things straight again. Sure we can mess up from time to time...but after a while is it really all worth it? For those that really matter are the ones that touch your soul when just aiming for your heart. The ones that try even though they really dont need to. More importantly the ones that actually make the effort to get to know you instead of the ones just doing the same things over and over thinking that maybe you'll never want to change. Maybe you think that your stuck...but you have a say in what the end result really is. Free Will. But whatever decisions you make you will be held accountable. I didn't change my life without changing my enviorment. Sometimes its really that simple.
September 28, 2004
Simplicity
The truth never makes you question it.
To avoid falling on your face again, don't be afraid to take a step back, stop, and look around.
Sometimes things aren't as deep as you think they are...most of the time its really just that simple.
To avoid falling on your face again, don't be afraid to take a step back, stop, and look around.
Sometimes things aren't as deep as you think they are...most of the time its really just that simple.
September 20, 2004
ChOiCeS...
Not many people think they have them, and even if they do, they feel like sometimes that existence is gone and it won't matter what they do next. The thing is, it does. Pastor D shared something a while ago that I never forgot and actually have shared recently "Theres no such thing as stupid mistakes...just unwise desicions". Now with that said im gonna explain a little bit about at least how I interpret that.
Many, like myself live on a routine at least when it comes with the morning time. You need to have certain things done by a certain time that way you can get things accomplished at the time designated. Say you wake up at 7am, you need to take a shower and be done by 7:30, and be out the door by 8. Even simplier than that, say you have a free minute or 2 and your contemplating calling someone you'd like to talk to, but being your day could be going so well you don't want to risk messing that up being you don't know how their day is. You always have a choice in what you decide to do.
Lately things tend to be a mirror of situations I went through a year ago. Things resurfacing that I knew would come back eventually just not reflecting what it once was. Especially the easy things like living where I am. Being im the youngest and am on the go literally all the time...if I mess up its just like living at home again. A note or something just out of context is posted about whats "more convienent" for others. Well natuarally I just laughed being its one of the stupidest things I've ever seen, then I got distracted for a second and thought of replying back, but really whats the point. When people would like to act like a adult with me, then the issue can be discussed and come to some resolution...the fact remains I can't guarentee these things might not happen again....i can just apoligize for what I did even if its the SIMPLEST thing in the world lol and leave it at that.
People in your life or better yet those that where once in your life can be one of the biggest distractions you face. Honestly I take it on a daily basis. Those that really know me, know that im not stupid and know too well what its like when I get emotionally attached. Honestly its not worth risking everything again just so I can re-set myself back in a position where I already know the outcome. Get this and always remember....if people don't change, the outcome will almost more than likely stay the same. I realized when rock climbing on saturday. The day was going pretty well, i would do a course, then Kris, and we pretty much where stayin up with each others pace. Well i wanted to go up a level and try to break out of the constant routine we have been working on. This one path though I just could NOT get up. I eventually gave up which honestly I can't stand to but I was so drained I had to. Kris went up...had some trouble but overall got through it. We went got some water and I tried again. Now this time I wasnt even getting as far as I once did. I scratched up my arm and got a nice brush wound on my knee haha....but I just couldn't see myself gettin back up. So I'm standing on this rock thats like a pebble, if you've ever been to the gym you know how small they could be! Well hes holding on to the rope and no matter how much I wanted to get down he wouldn't let me until I finshed this path. After a few minutes of me having a little chat with God while clinched to this wall and some inspiration from the beastie boys cd playing I finally started to figure out a different way of going about it. Kris's arm length is longer than mine so for the hard part I had to see something differently. Needless to say I got to the top and i was BEAT!
It reminded me though that no matter how I may face the same situation over and over, I know my faith will always hold me up and theres always another route than the one previously taken. You don't have to get hurt if you don't want to, just make a wiser decision. I was watching Titanic last nite up at my parents house because it was on NBC and I realized a lot. I never liked that movie at all when it came out or even growing up. In the last year or 2 I've grown fond of it because I actually understand what they're talking about more with the characters. *jack* plain asked *rose* straight out if she loved the guy she was going to marry *cal* and she couldnt answer the question straight out...in fact she never did. She was doing it because of the pressures she faced from not only her mother but those around her because of her stature. The fact was she fell in love with someone who was totally different from her, and it actually made her HAPPY, she didn't chose to love him, she just fell into it. She was being molded into what everyone wanted her to become but she had a different view of what she wanted for herself. She made a choice to follow her heart instead of her head. What are the things you force yourself to think about and move on when really you know you desire something else, but because of the pressure you face you just adjust and put on *the happy face* for the rest of the world when really your killing yourself more than anything.
My relationship with God has made me see things a lot in the last few months, im not dependant on people and things just like i used to be, i base my decisions on what I would like to see come to pass instead of feeling in a jam all the time...but more importantly I know the right choices I make pleases God and thats really all I need. He accepts me reguardless of what path I decide to go down...but when u make the honest decision boy does it make life a LOT more easier. No confusion, or stress, my moves are made on the clear view of what I actually see in front of me, and the wisdom thats taught me so much helps me mature more into the person I am daily. I'm finally comfortable with the choices I make and the life I live. No regrets.
Many, like myself live on a routine at least when it comes with the morning time. You need to have certain things done by a certain time that way you can get things accomplished at the time designated. Say you wake up at 7am, you need to take a shower and be done by 7:30, and be out the door by 8. Even simplier than that, say you have a free minute or 2 and your contemplating calling someone you'd like to talk to, but being your day could be going so well you don't want to risk messing that up being you don't know how their day is. You always have a choice in what you decide to do.
Lately things tend to be a mirror of situations I went through a year ago. Things resurfacing that I knew would come back eventually just not reflecting what it once was. Especially the easy things like living where I am. Being im the youngest and am on the go literally all the time...if I mess up its just like living at home again. A note or something just out of context is posted about whats "more convienent" for others. Well natuarally I just laughed being its one of the stupidest things I've ever seen, then I got distracted for a second and thought of replying back, but really whats the point. When people would like to act like a adult with me, then the issue can be discussed and come to some resolution...the fact remains I can't guarentee these things might not happen again....i can just apoligize for what I did even if its the SIMPLEST thing in the world lol and leave it at that.
People in your life or better yet those that where once in your life can be one of the biggest distractions you face. Honestly I take it on a daily basis. Those that really know me, know that im not stupid and know too well what its like when I get emotionally attached. Honestly its not worth risking everything again just so I can re-set myself back in a position where I already know the outcome. Get this and always remember....if people don't change, the outcome will almost more than likely stay the same. I realized when rock climbing on saturday. The day was going pretty well, i would do a course, then Kris, and we pretty much where stayin up with each others pace. Well i wanted to go up a level and try to break out of the constant routine we have been working on. This one path though I just could NOT get up. I eventually gave up which honestly I can't stand to but I was so drained I had to. Kris went up...had some trouble but overall got through it. We went got some water and I tried again. Now this time I wasnt even getting as far as I once did. I scratched up my arm and got a nice brush wound on my knee haha....but I just couldn't see myself gettin back up. So I'm standing on this rock thats like a pebble, if you've ever been to the gym you know how small they could be! Well hes holding on to the rope and no matter how much I wanted to get down he wouldn't let me until I finshed this path. After a few minutes of me having a little chat with God while clinched to this wall and some inspiration from the beastie boys cd playing I finally started to figure out a different way of going about it. Kris's arm length is longer than mine so for the hard part I had to see something differently. Needless to say I got to the top and i was BEAT!
It reminded me though that no matter how I may face the same situation over and over, I know my faith will always hold me up and theres always another route than the one previously taken. You don't have to get hurt if you don't want to, just make a wiser decision. I was watching Titanic last nite up at my parents house because it was on NBC and I realized a lot. I never liked that movie at all when it came out or even growing up. In the last year or 2 I've grown fond of it because I actually understand what they're talking about more with the characters. *jack* plain asked *rose* straight out if she loved the guy she was going to marry *cal* and she couldnt answer the question straight out...in fact she never did. She was doing it because of the pressures she faced from not only her mother but those around her because of her stature. The fact was she fell in love with someone who was totally different from her, and it actually made her HAPPY, she didn't chose to love him, she just fell into it. She was being molded into what everyone wanted her to become but she had a different view of what she wanted for herself. She made a choice to follow her heart instead of her head. What are the things you force yourself to think about and move on when really you know you desire something else, but because of the pressure you face you just adjust and put on *the happy face* for the rest of the world when really your killing yourself more than anything.
My relationship with God has made me see things a lot in the last few months, im not dependant on people and things just like i used to be, i base my decisions on what I would like to see come to pass instead of feeling in a jam all the time...but more importantly I know the right choices I make pleases God and thats really all I need. He accepts me reguardless of what path I decide to go down...but when u make the honest decision boy does it make life a LOT more easier. No confusion, or stress, my moves are made on the clear view of what I actually see in front of me, and the wisdom thats taught me so much helps me mature more into the person I am daily. I'm finally comfortable with the choices I make and the life I live. No regrets.
September 15, 2004
Hope Floats
I called my parents house yesterday after I got back home from work to learn that practically all of them where getting ready to go to a wake of someone that was in my brothers grade. My brother is a sophmore, my one sister is only still in 8th grade, but I also have another thats a junior so I believe she knew this boy as well. Apparently he commited suicide. I didnt learn anything else and because of his age it wasnt listed in the obituairy. At least thats the reasoning I was given. Whatever was going on in this boy's life obviously was overtaking his mind thinking that there was no other option then the one he took. I know what thats like too well...
No matter how annoying it gets, or how often it is thats the reason why I always tell you all that I care about you. I know that there may come a moment where you might not see any other option then to go a route you really don't need to take. But the truth is there is always another door. It doesnt matter how much is on your plate or facing you..theres something that can get you through it. faith.
After Dimon passed away, my mind went off the wall. My friends, most of them where in the same boat as me, except they all seemed to somehow get over that wall a lot quicker than I did. I didnt go through but lived in depression, loving getting people mad, basically ripping apart my life quicker than it took to get it where it was. I stopped caring about everything and everyone...so much that I almost didn't finish school MANY times, whether it was gonna be getting kicked out or just basically failing out, I didn't care. And yes I had people in my life that tried to help me out as best as they could, but it didn't help, I needed something on my own. I needed some strength from somewhere.
After Galen passed my english teacher at the time, who I couldnt stand a lot keep in mind, starting talking about God. Now to me I just wanted to scream she was talkin about religion and create a big fuss. But no, I listened to what she had to say basically knowing the spirit inside me was trying to block it out. She said something that stuck with me though "Without some kind of faith, its hard to accomplish or get through really anything". I was at a road block and needed some kind of wake up call. Shortly after this all happened, she mentioned to me that there was this remediation course I could take that wouldnt help me with my other subjects but would help me build up in the short time left before grad hopefully enough credits to get by. I thought about it, and accepted. That pretty much was the start of my rebuilding process.
No one could really see how much I was still abroad in the head because I put on my *front*. Thinking everything finally passed I figured it would stop having people in my face all the time trying to help me out. My real friends though could tell right through it tho. You can't fake something when someone goes past who everyone knows you as and can see who your soul is saying you are. Back in Dec 2000 tho when Dimon left, suicide was always around....never could do it though. I had just enough faith in something (def wasnt God at the time cause he was on my crap list) to hold me over till I could build it up. It was him though that made the way not only for me to graduate and move on from there, but to the point where I could finally deal with these spirits living inside of me so I could get past them as well.
Depression, anger, lashing out....the list keeps going, its all demons that keep you distracted from what your intended to do. Have you ever noticed that when your angry you tend to lose focus mainly on the most important things? It steals your joy and your in a rut longer than anyone should ever be. If you don't have any kind of belief then yes things will seem 10 times harder and your gonna look for an escape, been there done that....but even faith of a mustard seed can get past you what you might not wanna deal with. Its fine to leave situations be if thats what God said to do, but does it make sense now why I always try to deal with it now. I wanna squash that bug before it has any place to settle, and root up other things from that. I know a lot of people that don't wanna deal with anything...ever...they just move on from it, the point is everything after that is not gonna be the way it should be. Ever wanna be in a relationship with someone but your still having issues because *things arent working out*. Well its cause you didnt deal with the problems with the first one that all the relationships after are all gonna dissolve no matter what.
Tomorrow isn't guarenteed. Just take the issue, face it and move on. Otherwise you unfourtunatly will think theres only one tour left to take just like this young kid did as well as myself, and theres nothing left. You hurt more people by being selfish. Admit theres things you need to fix and then just go from there. I'm not perfect, that i DEF know, but I also am aware that I was made in God's image and likeness so I know where my power lies and what I don't need to take. It's like what I tell everyone, God just isn't in churches. I plan on getting married outside when that day comes and people are shocked. Gods gonna be with me whereever I go...not just in a building. He's with me as I make amazing decisions, and the ones where I should have a door hit me in the face lol. But the thing is, he never leaves me. So take a look around at your life and see if you can say the same. Don't be blinded by the sin, but keep your eye on whats going to help you when things get difficult or discouraging. People are only here with you on earth, they won't be standing with you when you face God. So don't let people get in your head thinking that its this step you don't wanna take because you don't wanna give up the *fun* things....haha better yet the living in sin, because you don't want to be held for all the things you've done. I say take care of it here so its not in issue of your existence later on.
No matter how annoying it gets, or how often it is thats the reason why I always tell you all that I care about you. I know that there may come a moment where you might not see any other option then to go a route you really don't need to take. But the truth is there is always another door. It doesnt matter how much is on your plate or facing you..theres something that can get you through it. faith.
After Dimon passed away, my mind went off the wall. My friends, most of them where in the same boat as me, except they all seemed to somehow get over that wall a lot quicker than I did. I didnt go through but lived in depression, loving getting people mad, basically ripping apart my life quicker than it took to get it where it was. I stopped caring about everything and everyone...so much that I almost didn't finish school MANY times, whether it was gonna be getting kicked out or just basically failing out, I didn't care. And yes I had people in my life that tried to help me out as best as they could, but it didn't help, I needed something on my own. I needed some strength from somewhere.
After Galen passed my english teacher at the time, who I couldnt stand a lot keep in mind, starting talking about God. Now to me I just wanted to scream she was talkin about religion and create a big fuss. But no, I listened to what she had to say basically knowing the spirit inside me was trying to block it out. She said something that stuck with me though "Without some kind of faith, its hard to accomplish or get through really anything". I was at a road block and needed some kind of wake up call. Shortly after this all happened, she mentioned to me that there was this remediation course I could take that wouldnt help me with my other subjects but would help me build up in the short time left before grad hopefully enough credits to get by. I thought about it, and accepted. That pretty much was the start of my rebuilding process.
No one could really see how much I was still abroad in the head because I put on my *front*. Thinking everything finally passed I figured it would stop having people in my face all the time trying to help me out. My real friends though could tell right through it tho. You can't fake something when someone goes past who everyone knows you as and can see who your soul is saying you are. Back in Dec 2000 tho when Dimon left, suicide was always around....never could do it though. I had just enough faith in something (def wasnt God at the time cause he was on my crap list) to hold me over till I could build it up. It was him though that made the way not only for me to graduate and move on from there, but to the point where I could finally deal with these spirits living inside of me so I could get past them as well.
Depression, anger, lashing out....the list keeps going, its all demons that keep you distracted from what your intended to do. Have you ever noticed that when your angry you tend to lose focus mainly on the most important things? It steals your joy and your in a rut longer than anyone should ever be. If you don't have any kind of belief then yes things will seem 10 times harder and your gonna look for an escape, been there done that....but even faith of a mustard seed can get past you what you might not wanna deal with. Its fine to leave situations be if thats what God said to do, but does it make sense now why I always try to deal with it now. I wanna squash that bug before it has any place to settle, and root up other things from that. I know a lot of people that don't wanna deal with anything...ever...they just move on from it, the point is everything after that is not gonna be the way it should be. Ever wanna be in a relationship with someone but your still having issues because *things arent working out*. Well its cause you didnt deal with the problems with the first one that all the relationships after are all gonna dissolve no matter what.
Tomorrow isn't guarenteed. Just take the issue, face it and move on. Otherwise you unfourtunatly will think theres only one tour left to take just like this young kid did as well as myself, and theres nothing left. You hurt more people by being selfish. Admit theres things you need to fix and then just go from there. I'm not perfect, that i DEF know, but I also am aware that I was made in God's image and likeness so I know where my power lies and what I don't need to take. It's like what I tell everyone, God just isn't in churches. I plan on getting married outside when that day comes and people are shocked. Gods gonna be with me whereever I go...not just in a building. He's with me as I make amazing decisions, and the ones where I should have a door hit me in the face lol. But the thing is, he never leaves me. So take a look around at your life and see if you can say the same. Don't be blinded by the sin, but keep your eye on whats going to help you when things get difficult or discouraging. People are only here with you on earth, they won't be standing with you when you face God. So don't let people get in your head thinking that its this step you don't wanna take because you don't wanna give up the *fun* things....haha better yet the living in sin, because you don't want to be held for all the things you've done. I say take care of it here so its not in issue of your existence later on.
September 12, 2004
To Someone Who Understands Me
What is a best friend, does anyone really know. I've been wandering around trying to search out the answer to this question, but quite honestly the answers ive heard really don't come together as a definition. I used to think, and many of you still do that its those that you hang out with or talk to 24-7, they know ALL of your other friends, you plan on being around to see each others lives play out in the time to come....but if thats really what it is, im quite honestly with just having a few close friends that I dont see EVERYDAY, that sometimes miss out on a story or 2 here or there, but in the end even if we dont talk for weeks, months or years on end, we can still have that thing that clicks when we talk or get together. That thing that shows when sentences can be ended by the other person still, or your going through the same thing and can help each other with guidance or strength. I haven't written about any of my friends for a while unless they where summed up in a story somewhere, but in particular I wanted to share something that may help others so here we go.
Now im gonna talk a bit about my friend *Daphma* haha for a little bit, and no thats not her real name if you havent caught on already, but in order to prevent any mad rush there may be by going through old emails to contact her so you could start a friendship lmao....ill just stay with *Daphma* especially those from easton PA ;) Anyways glad to clear that up...so on my way. Someone asked me one time in particular what I saw as someone I find as trustworthy. Now being thats a hairy thing for me sometimes if you may have noticed in recent posts, i basically decscribed it as someone on the same understanding of me with faith, someone who can understand me when many people dont or would like to dedicate the time to, and mostly someone who God showed me I could. Over the past 3 years, everything I understood about having a trusting relationship with pretty much everyone has been tested and molded into something im completly content with now.
*Daphma* and I have basically faced it all with never getting into a large out of control fight with each other, everything has always been done calmly which is very different right there than anyone else in my life, and for some reason through all the chaos we've withstood it all. Now I may not know her favorite movie, or what her new favorite up and coming band is, but I do know what makes her laugh, how if I need someone there to pray with me she is, and if I just want someone there to say hi and then just pretty much chill while watching court tv shes more than willing. I joke with others about how we have things going on at the same time pretty much from time to time....but with *Daphma* and I its pretty much all on the same level all the time. Whether it be relocation changes, how we try to give people the benifit of the doubt no matter how many times they've hurt us, or if we apoligize for something we didnt do and yet others dont take any blame for it either....we still understand each other pretty well and just laugh it off. Better yet having the same bonehead guys comin up to us haha....things just always align lol. Come on fellas we're pretty understanding people as long as you meet all our guidelines. lol.
The main reason im proud to have *Daphma* in my life is because I've seen how much shes matured since I've known her especially after we didnt talk for a year and a 1/2 about. We talk about things more important than the mall, or the newest movie out, its more about the deeper things that interest me more. Don't get me wrong, sharing recipies on the best way to clear up excess water for easymac is always more than appreciated, but theres something with more substance when your discussing other aspects of life. I recieved a deeper relationship in my faith because of her just being herself and not someone telling me what I want to hear, but when God knows that if im not hearing it from him and he needs someone to yell it at my face, i know she will prob not knowing why lol.
Unfortunatly we both can get swarmed with things going on in our lives from one day to the next, but somehow when one of us needs an email or just a small chat God just stops our schedules for a minute and we always seem to keep in touch. When she talks I definitly listen because theres never a conv goes by where I dont learn something new. Maybe we wont live in the same state and see each other grow and change on a resonable basis in years to come, but I know no matter if I see her once a month, or once a year God is going to be bringing the things shes desired to do to pass because of her faithfulness. I have no doubt in my mind how big her career and spiritual life will go as time evolves. Her family will not just become tighter than they are, but will learn to understand each other on a much more deeper level then they already do.
You may be wondering why im writing about *Daphma* and not someone else, and well the truth is because I felt like it quite honestly haha. She was the first person when I prayed I got my first vision about, she was a person that has taught me a lot about forgiveness, someone I could confide in because she doesn't settle for the things everyone else our age does and someone who makes me think when not many people can. So maybe I can't define her as my "best friend" by the terms and ideas people have given me of what it "should" be and thats honestly fine with me....because God placed someone in my life that goes deeper than all of that, and who hopefully as she helps me grow, care and realize more about me, she can see the same for herself as time goes along. I'm always going to do my best to be there no matter what happens. How many friends could you honestly say would do that for you?
In closing, take a look at who is in your life....those that are taking advantage of what and who you are quite honestly are keeping you pre-occupied from someone who may need you more than you know. Maybe one day you'll be doing just what you've been assigned to do and you'll come across someone doing what they do and it will hit you that their meant to affect your life somehow. I was running late for an art show one day in 2001, and wound up coming across someone who has helped me become the person I am. I didn't end up getting any contact information until I searched into who helped out with our show a few months later because God told me to keep in touch with her. I wasn't a Christian yet in fact I was just getting out of the hardest time I've ever faced in my life.
Things have never been the same since, and for that im eternally greatful. Thank You =).
Now im gonna talk a bit about my friend *Daphma* haha for a little bit, and no thats not her real name if you havent caught on already, but in order to prevent any mad rush there may be by going through old emails to contact her so you could start a friendship lmao....ill just stay with *Daphma* especially those from easton PA ;) Anyways glad to clear that up...so on my way. Someone asked me one time in particular what I saw as someone I find as trustworthy. Now being thats a hairy thing for me sometimes if you may have noticed in recent posts, i basically decscribed it as someone on the same understanding of me with faith, someone who can understand me when many people dont or would like to dedicate the time to, and mostly someone who God showed me I could. Over the past 3 years, everything I understood about having a trusting relationship with pretty much everyone has been tested and molded into something im completly content with now.
*Daphma* and I have basically faced it all with never getting into a large out of control fight with each other, everything has always been done calmly which is very different right there than anyone else in my life, and for some reason through all the chaos we've withstood it all. Now I may not know her favorite movie, or what her new favorite up and coming band is, but I do know what makes her laugh, how if I need someone there to pray with me she is, and if I just want someone there to say hi and then just pretty much chill while watching court tv shes more than willing. I joke with others about how we have things going on at the same time pretty much from time to time....but with *Daphma* and I its pretty much all on the same level all the time. Whether it be relocation changes, how we try to give people the benifit of the doubt no matter how many times they've hurt us, or if we apoligize for something we didnt do and yet others dont take any blame for it either....we still understand each other pretty well and just laugh it off. Better yet having the same bonehead guys comin up to us haha....things just always align lol. Come on fellas we're pretty understanding people as long as you meet all our guidelines. lol.
The main reason im proud to have *Daphma* in my life is because I've seen how much shes matured since I've known her especially after we didnt talk for a year and a 1/2 about. We talk about things more important than the mall, or the newest movie out, its more about the deeper things that interest me more. Don't get me wrong, sharing recipies on the best way to clear up excess water for easymac is always more than appreciated, but theres something with more substance when your discussing other aspects of life. I recieved a deeper relationship in my faith because of her just being herself and not someone telling me what I want to hear, but when God knows that if im not hearing it from him and he needs someone to yell it at my face, i know she will prob not knowing why lol.
Unfortunatly we both can get swarmed with things going on in our lives from one day to the next, but somehow when one of us needs an email or just a small chat God just stops our schedules for a minute and we always seem to keep in touch. When she talks I definitly listen because theres never a conv goes by where I dont learn something new. Maybe we wont live in the same state and see each other grow and change on a resonable basis in years to come, but I know no matter if I see her once a month, or once a year God is going to be bringing the things shes desired to do to pass because of her faithfulness. I have no doubt in my mind how big her career and spiritual life will go as time evolves. Her family will not just become tighter than they are, but will learn to understand each other on a much more deeper level then they already do.
You may be wondering why im writing about *Daphma* and not someone else, and well the truth is because I felt like it quite honestly haha. She was the first person when I prayed I got my first vision about, she was a person that has taught me a lot about forgiveness, someone I could confide in because she doesn't settle for the things everyone else our age does and someone who makes me think when not many people can. So maybe I can't define her as my "best friend" by the terms and ideas people have given me of what it "should" be and thats honestly fine with me....because God placed someone in my life that goes deeper than all of that, and who hopefully as she helps me grow, care and realize more about me, she can see the same for herself as time goes along. I'm always going to do my best to be there no matter what happens. How many friends could you honestly say would do that for you?
In closing, take a look at who is in your life....those that are taking advantage of what and who you are quite honestly are keeping you pre-occupied from someone who may need you more than you know. Maybe one day you'll be doing just what you've been assigned to do and you'll come across someone doing what they do and it will hit you that their meant to affect your life somehow. I was running late for an art show one day in 2001, and wound up coming across someone who has helped me become the person I am. I didn't end up getting any contact information until I searched into who helped out with our show a few months later because God told me to keep in touch with her. I wasn't a Christian yet in fact I was just getting out of the hardest time I've ever faced in my life.
Things have never been the same since, and for that im eternally greatful. Thank You =).
September 11, 2004
LONG survey
What is your name?: Kelly
Are you named after anyone?: Someone my mom is connected to from Ireland i believe....at least thats what they lead me to believe! lol
What's your screename?: Poconoskel, Poconos_Kel, PoconoKel....yea u get the idea :)
Would you name a child of yours after you?: Never, wouldn't even consider it.
If you were born a member of the opposite sex what would your name be?: hmm...if i was a dude what would i want my name to be...i would go with Jordan
If you could switch names with a friend who would it be?: Mackenzie....something not everyone has for once!
Are there any mispronounciations/typos that ppl do w/ your name constantly?: People just change up how they spell it, addin or takin away letters
Would you drop your last name if you became famous?: haha i wouldnt see the need to, people can barely catch onto it now
Basics...
Your gender: Female
Single?: yea
If not, do you want to be?: if not what? be in a relationship? ...day to day things change but when the time is right it will happen, not in any rush for anything
Birthdate: Dec 1 1983
Your age: 20
Age you act: sometimes 10 sometimes 100 lol
Age you wish you were: I think I'm fine where I'm at
Your height: 5’11
Eye color: Brown/Hazelish
Happy with it?: sure, why not? lol i can only see em in a mirror
Hair color: Brown
Happy with it?: wish it was lighter like it used to be but what can ya do.
Lefty/righty/ambidextrous: Righty
Your living arrangement: An older couple rents out the bottom half of their house and I have a room (which hopefully will be changing soon!)
Your family: one mom, one dad, 2 brothers, 3 sisters
Have any pets?: i dont, my sis has a pug and my bro has a puppy so its my extended fam haha
Whats your job?: order entry
Piercings?: nope
Tattoos?: nope
Obsessions?: taco bell, concerts, technology.....safe things lol
Addictions?: right now italian ices
Do you speak another language?: ...i have my own language which only my close friends get lol
Have a favorite quote?: *There is a difference between can't and won't*
Do you have a webpage?: My blog poconoskel.blogspot.com and a work with lmfpfans.com
Deep Thoughts About Life and You in it: Just do what you do. Im here for entertainment purposes :)
Do you live in the moment?: Most of the time...sometimes it just gets u hurt but what can ya do, at least I try
Do you consider yourself tolerant of others?: theres a difference between tollerance and being taken over...yea i can tolerate but i will speak up
Do you have any secrets?: yea in fact ill tell ya one....in order to control the pet population have you animal spaid or nutered
Do you hate yourself?: LMFAO um no lol....far from it
Do you like your handwriting?: sometimes
Do you have any bad habits?: perhaps
What is the compliment you get from most people?: that im too smart for my age :)
If a movie was made about your life, what would it be called?: hmmm.........unleashed lmao
What's your biggest fear?: fear is nothing that holds my attention. Gods got my front and back
Can you sing?: lmao um yea im as good as big bird when he sings to snuffy :)
Do you ever pretend to be someone else just to look cool?: hahah why do i need to
Are you a loner?: sometimes, its less distracting
What are your #1 priorities in life?: My commitment i made to christ
If you were another person, would you be friends with you?: of course!
Are you a daredevil?: not nearly as much anymore
Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself?: I hate that im stuck on stupid surveys like this!
Are you passive or agressive?: Depends on the situation
Do you have a journal?: My blog if thats what u wanna consider a journal
What is your greatest strength and weakness?: Strength - trying my best at what i commit to
Weakness - giving people the benifit of the doubt when they dont deserve it after the 50th shot
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?: i would change my proctastination at some points
Do you think you are emotionally strong?: Now i am, 3-4 years ago nope
Is there anything you regret doing/not doing in life?: regret....nah the things and experiences ive done have gotten me here so im ok with it all
Do you think life has been good so far?: its had its moments, but OH YEA lol its overall been SAWEET lol
What is the most important lesson you've learned from life?: Trust God
What do you like the most about your body?: my old 6 pack makin its comeback :)
And least?: good lord lol dont get me started
Do you think you are good looking?: i think i have my good features lol
Are you confident?: yea now I am
What is the fictional character you are most like?: Daria lmao
Are you perceived wrongly?: only by people that dont take the time to get to know me
Do You...
Smoke?: Nope
Do drugs?: Never
Read the newspaper?: From time to time
Pray?: all the time
Go to church?: Weekly, and go to bible study
Talk to strangers who IM you?: sure i give everyone a chance
Sleep with stuffed animals?: i have my spongebob that chills on my bed that I won down in Virginia
Take walks in the rain?: when im in the mood
Talk to people even though you hate them?: I don’t hate...highly dislike sure, but dont hate.
Depends on the situation...ill be polite
Drive?: Yes
Like to drive fast?: Not anymore
Would or Have You Ever?....
Liked your voice?: At times as odd as that sounds
Hurt yourself?: ??um not on purpose but when i allow idiots back into my life then i guess that counts
Been out of the country?: Not yet
Eaten something that made other people sick?: yes and I found it to be quite amusing lol
Been in love?: Yea
Done drugs?: Nope
Gone skinny dipping?: No Answer haha
Had a medical emergency?: Yea last was right before my 18th bday stuffing scratched my esophogus
Had surgery?: nope
Ran away from home?: haha oh lord lemme count how many times!
Played strip poker?: Nope
Gotten beaten up?: Ive held my own and then lost some....what can ya do
Beaten someone up?: haha refer back to previous question
Been picked on?: who hasnt at one point
Been on stage?: Yea
Slept outdoors?: yeah, it's called camping lol
Thought about suicide?: After one of my close friends died but NEVER could do it thank God
Pulled an all nighter?: hmmm once again lemme count the times lol
If yes, what is your record?: in a month, year....countless
Gone one day without food?: Only time that happens is if i sleep through the day when im not feeling well
Talked on the phone all night?: Yea
Slept together with the opposite sex w/o actually having sex?: yea...welcome to my world LMAO
Slept all day?: The best thing to do!
Killed someone?: WTF? lmao um no
Made out with a stranger?: Nope
Had sex with a stranger?: Nope
Thought you're going crazy?: Been there done that
Been betrayed?: haha too bad for them is the way i see it...maybe one day they'll wake up to what they missed out on and how they really are
Had a dream that came true?: all the time
Broken the law?: yes, oh i remember those days fondly haha
Met a famous person?: Latest was Lisa Marie Presley....the BEST by far! I love our OGD ahhh memories lol (yea dont ask haha) GCS3! :)
Have you ever killed an animal by accident?: If it fits under the tire im not riskin my life, i aim to miss tho mostly
On purpose?: go to question above
Told a secret you swore you wouldn't tell?: i dont need to tell, God sees it all so I could just talk with him
Stolen anything?: yes when I was younger
Been on radio/tv?: countless times
Been in a mosh-pit?: yea when we went to see Korn, yea def dont plan on another
Had a nervous breakdown?: Ive had my moments a few yrs ago
Bungee jumped?: nope would love to do this and skydive tho
Had a dream that kept coming back?: Yeah
Beliefs....
Believe in life on other planets?: lmao no
Miracles?: Def
Astrology?: "13 Thou art wearied in the multitude of thy counsels. Let now the astrologers, the stargazers, the monthly prognosticators, stand up, and save thee from these things that shall come upon thee. 14 Behold, they shall be as stubble; the fire shall burn them; they shall not deliver themselves from the power of the flame: there shall not be a coal to warm at, nor fire to sit before it." -follow it if u want to, thats where i stand Isa. 47:13
Magic?: same thing, follow witchcraft if u want, not for me
God?: Yea
Satan?: Yea and hes a punk
Santa?: um no
Ghosts?: spirits and junk like that are around and need to be casted out
Luck?: no, its called Blessing aka God
Love at first sight?: Yea it happened to me back in 2000
Witches?: Yea but ill pray for your mercy dont worry
Easter bunny?: um ok now this is getting stupid
Believe its possible to remain faithful forever?: yes, but if your still living *in the world* then its def harder, but not impossible
Believe theres a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow?: what i say here might be offensive so ill keep my mouth shut lmao...it was pretty funny too so ask me if u wanna know and if i want you to know ill tell u haha
Do you wish on stars?: Nah i pray
Deep Theological Questions .......
Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell?: I stand on what Gods shown me
Do you think God has a gender?: Yes
Do you believe in organized religion?: I believe in faithfulness and standing true to standing true to what you believe
Where do you think we go when we die?: Heaven/Hell....nice people dont always go to heaven, just for a heads up theres more to it than that
Friends ....
Who is your best friend?: I have many close friends
Who's the one person that knows most about you?: God
What's the best advice that anyone has ever given to you?: My Pastor: "truth never makes u question it"
Your favourite inside joke?: LMAO! once again mad love to my OGD and GCS's LOL
Thing you're picked on most about?: im not really picked on, at least not anymore cause what u see is what u get.
Who's your longest known friend?: That i still talk to on a reg basis, Kris aka Dorsh
Newest?: Rudy and Mac
Shyest?: hmmm lol.....well none of my friends are really shy
Funniest?: Lindsey....by far :)
Sweetest?: Trisha
Closest?: They know who they are
Weirdest?: this one has me thinkin....
Smartest?: my cousin Keri at least in my view
Ditziest?: i wont shout em out lmao
Friends you miss being close to the most?: Dimon and my crew from tech
Last person you talked to online?: SieSie
Who do you talk to most online?: Linds, Karla, Kris, Krissy,....want me to keep goin?
Who are you on the phone with most?: My sister
Who do you trust most?: God
Who listens to your problems?: refer to previous question
Who do you fight most with?: my dad...i see it as healthy debates because nothing is being thrown around
Who's the nicest?: Didnt we go over this already lol
Who's the most outgoing?: SieSie
Who's the best singer?: Trisha (trishaokeefe.com) small shout out
Who's on your ****-list?: i forgive and forget....let it be known haha
Have you ever thought of having sex with a friend?: wow thats a lil blunt haha
Who's your second family?: my AOL buddy list ROFL!
Do you always feel understood?: No but that doesnt stop me
Who's the loudest friend?: Linds lol esp on the road near old people :)
Do you trust others easily?: I do to a point but past then requires me being shown to do so from God...those I do trust def know it
Who's house were you last at?: my parents this morn when the water heater wentName one person who's arms you feel safe in: good question...anyone from church
Do your friends know you?: Probably since I don’t hold much back once I’m secure in a friendship
Friend that lives farthest away: Karla in TX
Love and All That....
Do you consider love a mistake?: Never
What do you find romantic?: You’d be surprised at how many things I find romantic
Turn-on?: am i a lightswitch?
Turn off?: oh dont get me started LOL
First kiss?: Brian S
If someone u had no interest in had interest in dating u how would u feel?: a lil out of place, but just let them know where im coming from and that im more than happy with friendships at any time
Do you prefer knowing someone before dating them or going: going where lol....most of the time
Have u ever wished it was more socially acceptable 4 a girl 2 ask a guy out: not really
Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractive: yes
Do you think the opposite sex finds you good looking?: Ask them haha
What is best about the opposite sex?: I haven’t figured that out yet LOL
What is the worst thing about the opposite sex?: over assertiveness
What's the last present someone gave you?: Trisha sent me a postcard from Philly that i got tues :)
Are you in love?: Nope
Do you consider your significant other hot?: um first i need one of those haha
Who Was the Last Person...
That haunted you?: um...i think ill leave this one alone considering its a lil odd
You wanted to kill?: i havent had that desire in a while lmao
That you laughed at or with?: Velmas email haha
That laughed at you?: My sister
That turned you on:? turned on?! once again am i a lightswitch haha
You went shopping with?: my Aunt
That broke your heart?: They know who they are
To disappoint you?: haha long list that thank God im over with it
To ask you out?: this kid at the mall, he was pretty sweet just really young, guess its better than that 40 something yr old dude at the spa lol
To make you cry?: ross from friends haha i was watchin the last episode last nite
To brighten up your day?: Velma
That you thought about?: babula since i just heard a beatles song
You saw a movie with?: krissy
You talked to on the phone?: Dorsh
You talked to through IM/ICQ?: um wasnt this already asked?
You saw?: on tv the new Real World haha
You lost?: my grandma
Right This Moment...
Are you going out?: yea im gonna go for my walk finally!
Will it be with your significant other?: n/a
Or some random person?: n/a
What are you wearing right now?: wouldnt u like to know :)
What are you worried about right now?: nothing
What book are you reading?: Elvis And I
What's on your mousepad?: who knows i barely use it
Use 5 words to describe how you're feeling: quiet, relaxed, calm, comfortable, lazy lol
Are you bored?: not really
Are you tired?: nope just took a nap
Are you talking to anyone online?: nope away msg up in full mode
Are you talking to anyone on the phone?: nope for once!
Are you lonely or content?: content
Are you listening to music?: yes...the roots
Are you named after anyone?: Someone my mom is connected to from Ireland i believe....at least thats what they lead me to believe! lol
What's your screename?: Poconoskel, Poconos_Kel, PoconoKel....yea u get the idea :)
Would you name a child of yours after you?: Never, wouldn't even consider it.
If you were born a member of the opposite sex what would your name be?: hmm...if i was a dude what would i want my name to be...i would go with Jordan
If you could switch names with a friend who would it be?: Mackenzie....something not everyone has for once!
Are there any mispronounciations/typos that ppl do w/ your name constantly?: People just change up how they spell it, addin or takin away letters
Would you drop your last name if you became famous?: haha i wouldnt see the need to, people can barely catch onto it now
Basics...
Your gender: Female
Single?: yea
If not, do you want to be?: if not what? be in a relationship? ...day to day things change but when the time is right it will happen, not in any rush for anything
Birthdate: Dec 1 1983
Your age: 20
Age you act: sometimes 10 sometimes 100 lol
Age you wish you were: I think I'm fine where I'm at
Your height: 5’11
Eye color: Brown/Hazelish
Happy with it?: sure, why not? lol i can only see em in a mirror
Hair color: Brown
Happy with it?: wish it was lighter like it used to be but what can ya do.
Lefty/righty/ambidextrous: Righty
Your living arrangement: An older couple rents out the bottom half of their house and I have a room (which hopefully will be changing soon!)
Your family: one mom, one dad, 2 brothers, 3 sisters
Have any pets?: i dont, my sis has a pug and my bro has a puppy so its my extended fam haha
Whats your job?: order entry
Piercings?: nope
Tattoos?: nope
Obsessions?: taco bell, concerts, technology.....safe things lol
Addictions?: right now italian ices
Do you speak another language?: ...i have my own language which only my close friends get lol
Have a favorite quote?: *There is a difference between can't and won't*
Do you have a webpage?: My blog poconoskel.blogspot.com and a work with lmfpfans.com
Deep Thoughts About Life and You in it: Just do what you do. Im here for entertainment purposes :)
Do you live in the moment?: Most of the time...sometimes it just gets u hurt but what can ya do, at least I try
Do you consider yourself tolerant of others?: theres a difference between tollerance and being taken over...yea i can tolerate but i will speak up
Do you have any secrets?: yea in fact ill tell ya one....in order to control the pet population have you animal spaid or nutered
Do you hate yourself?: LMFAO um no lol....far from it
Do you like your handwriting?: sometimes
Do you have any bad habits?: perhaps
What is the compliment you get from most people?: that im too smart for my age :)
If a movie was made about your life, what would it be called?: hmmm.........unleashed lmao
What's your biggest fear?: fear is nothing that holds my attention. Gods got my front and back
Can you sing?: lmao um yea im as good as big bird when he sings to snuffy :)
Do you ever pretend to be someone else just to look cool?: hahah why do i need to
Are you a loner?: sometimes, its less distracting
What are your #1 priorities in life?: My commitment i made to christ
If you were another person, would you be friends with you?: of course!
Are you a daredevil?: not nearly as much anymore
Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself?: I hate that im stuck on stupid surveys like this!
Are you passive or agressive?: Depends on the situation
Do you have a journal?: My blog if thats what u wanna consider a journal
What is your greatest strength and weakness?: Strength - trying my best at what i commit to
Weakness - giving people the benifit of the doubt when they dont deserve it after the 50th shot
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?: i would change my proctastination at some points
Do you think you are emotionally strong?: Now i am, 3-4 years ago nope
Is there anything you regret doing/not doing in life?: regret....nah the things and experiences ive done have gotten me here so im ok with it all
Do you think life has been good so far?: its had its moments, but OH YEA lol its overall been SAWEET lol
What is the most important lesson you've learned from life?: Trust God
What do you like the most about your body?: my old 6 pack makin its comeback :)
And least?: good lord lol dont get me started
Do you think you are good looking?: i think i have my good features lol
Are you confident?: yea now I am
What is the fictional character you are most like?: Daria lmao
Are you perceived wrongly?: only by people that dont take the time to get to know me
Do You...
Smoke?: Nope
Do drugs?: Never
Read the newspaper?: From time to time
Pray?: all the time
Go to church?: Weekly, and go to bible study
Talk to strangers who IM you?: sure i give everyone a chance
Sleep with stuffed animals?: i have my spongebob that chills on my bed that I won down in Virginia
Take walks in the rain?: when im in the mood
Talk to people even though you hate them?: I don’t hate...highly dislike sure, but dont hate.
Depends on the situation...ill be polite
Drive?: Yes
Like to drive fast?: Not anymore
Would or Have You Ever?....
Liked your voice?: At times as odd as that sounds
Hurt yourself?: ??um not on purpose but when i allow idiots back into my life then i guess that counts
Been out of the country?: Not yet
Eaten something that made other people sick?: yes and I found it to be quite amusing lol
Been in love?: Yea
Done drugs?: Nope
Gone skinny dipping?: No Answer haha
Had a medical emergency?: Yea last was right before my 18th bday stuffing scratched my esophogus
Had surgery?: nope
Ran away from home?: haha oh lord lemme count how many times!
Played strip poker?: Nope
Gotten beaten up?: Ive held my own and then lost some....what can ya do
Beaten someone up?: haha refer back to previous question
Been picked on?: who hasnt at one point
Been on stage?: Yea
Slept outdoors?: yeah, it's called camping lol
Thought about suicide?: After one of my close friends died but NEVER could do it thank God
Pulled an all nighter?: hmmm once again lemme count the times lol
If yes, what is your record?: in a month, year....countless
Gone one day without food?: Only time that happens is if i sleep through the day when im not feeling well
Talked on the phone all night?: Yea
Slept together with the opposite sex w/o actually having sex?: yea...welcome to my world LMAO
Slept all day?: The best thing to do!
Killed someone?: WTF? lmao um no
Made out with a stranger?: Nope
Had sex with a stranger?: Nope
Thought you're going crazy?: Been there done that
Been betrayed?: haha too bad for them is the way i see it...maybe one day they'll wake up to what they missed out on and how they really are
Had a dream that came true?: all the time
Broken the law?: yes, oh i remember those days fondly haha
Met a famous person?: Latest was Lisa Marie Presley....the BEST by far! I love our OGD ahhh memories lol (yea dont ask haha) GCS3! :)
Have you ever killed an animal by accident?: If it fits under the tire im not riskin my life, i aim to miss tho mostly
On purpose?: go to question above
Told a secret you swore you wouldn't tell?: i dont need to tell, God sees it all so I could just talk with him
Stolen anything?: yes when I was younger
Been on radio/tv?: countless times
Been in a mosh-pit?: yea when we went to see Korn, yea def dont plan on another
Had a nervous breakdown?: Ive had my moments a few yrs ago
Bungee jumped?: nope would love to do this and skydive tho
Had a dream that kept coming back?: Yeah
Beliefs....
Believe in life on other planets?: lmao no
Miracles?: Def
Astrology?: "13 Thou art wearied in the multitude of thy counsels. Let now the astrologers, the stargazers, the monthly prognosticators, stand up, and save thee from these things that shall come upon thee. 14 Behold, they shall be as stubble; the fire shall burn them; they shall not deliver themselves from the power of the flame: there shall not be a coal to warm at, nor fire to sit before it." -follow it if u want to, thats where i stand Isa. 47:13
Magic?: same thing, follow witchcraft if u want, not for me
God?: Yea
Satan?: Yea and hes a punk
Santa?: um no
Ghosts?: spirits and junk like that are around and need to be casted out
Luck?: no, its called Blessing aka God
Love at first sight?: Yea it happened to me back in 2000
Witches?: Yea but ill pray for your mercy dont worry
Easter bunny?: um ok now this is getting stupid
Believe its possible to remain faithful forever?: yes, but if your still living *in the world* then its def harder, but not impossible
Believe theres a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow?: what i say here might be offensive so ill keep my mouth shut lmao...it was pretty funny too so ask me if u wanna know and if i want you to know ill tell u haha
Do you wish on stars?: Nah i pray
Deep Theological Questions .......
Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell?: I stand on what Gods shown me
Do you think God has a gender?: Yes
Do you believe in organized religion?: I believe in faithfulness and standing true to standing true to what you believe
Where do you think we go when we die?: Heaven/Hell....nice people dont always go to heaven, just for a heads up theres more to it than that
Friends ....
Who is your best friend?: I have many close friends
Who's the one person that knows most about you?: God
What's the best advice that anyone has ever given to you?: My Pastor: "truth never makes u question it"
Your favourite inside joke?: LMAO! once again mad love to my OGD and GCS's LOL
Thing you're picked on most about?: im not really picked on, at least not anymore cause what u see is what u get.
Who's your longest known friend?: That i still talk to on a reg basis, Kris aka Dorsh
Newest?: Rudy and Mac
Shyest?: hmmm lol.....well none of my friends are really shy
Funniest?: Lindsey....by far :)
Sweetest?: Trisha
Closest?: They know who they are
Weirdest?: this one has me thinkin....
Smartest?: my cousin Keri at least in my view
Ditziest?: i wont shout em out lmao
Friends you miss being close to the most?: Dimon and my crew from tech
Last person you talked to online?: SieSie
Who do you talk to most online?: Linds, Karla, Kris, Krissy,....want me to keep goin?
Who are you on the phone with most?: My sister
Who do you trust most?: God
Who listens to your problems?: refer to previous question
Who do you fight most with?: my dad...i see it as healthy debates because nothing is being thrown around
Who's the nicest?: Didnt we go over this already lol
Who's the most outgoing?: SieSie
Who's the best singer?: Trisha (trishaokeefe.com) small shout out
Who's on your ****-list?: i forgive and forget....let it be known haha
Have you ever thought of having sex with a friend?: wow thats a lil blunt haha
Who's your second family?: my AOL buddy list ROFL!
Do you always feel understood?: No but that doesnt stop me
Who's the loudest friend?: Linds lol esp on the road near old people :)
Do you trust others easily?: I do to a point but past then requires me being shown to do so from God...those I do trust def know it
Who's house were you last at?: my parents this morn when the water heater wentName one person who's arms you feel safe in: good question...anyone from church
Do your friends know you?: Probably since I don’t hold much back once I’m secure in a friendship
Friend that lives farthest away: Karla in TX
Love and All That....
Do you consider love a mistake?: Never
What do you find romantic?: You’d be surprised at how many things I find romantic
Turn-on?: am i a lightswitch?
Turn off?: oh dont get me started LOL
First kiss?: Brian S
If someone u had no interest in had interest in dating u how would u feel?: a lil out of place, but just let them know where im coming from and that im more than happy with friendships at any time
Do you prefer knowing someone before dating them or going: going where lol....most of the time
Have u ever wished it was more socially acceptable 4 a girl 2 ask a guy out: not really
Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractive: yes
Do you think the opposite sex finds you good looking?: Ask them haha
What is best about the opposite sex?: I haven’t figured that out yet LOL
What is the worst thing about the opposite sex?: over assertiveness
What's the last present someone gave you?: Trisha sent me a postcard from Philly that i got tues :)
Are you in love?: Nope
Do you consider your significant other hot?: um first i need one of those haha
Who Was the Last Person...
That haunted you?: um...i think ill leave this one alone considering its a lil odd
You wanted to kill?: i havent had that desire in a while lmao
That you laughed at or with?: Velmas email haha
That laughed at you?: My sister
That turned you on:? turned on?! once again am i a lightswitch haha
You went shopping with?: my Aunt
That broke your heart?: They know who they are
To disappoint you?: haha long list that thank God im over with it
To ask you out?: this kid at the mall, he was pretty sweet just really young, guess its better than that 40 something yr old dude at the spa lol
To make you cry?: ross from friends haha i was watchin the last episode last nite
To brighten up your day?: Velma
That you thought about?: babula since i just heard a beatles song
You saw a movie with?: krissy
You talked to on the phone?: Dorsh
You talked to through IM/ICQ?: um wasnt this already asked?
You saw?: on tv the new Real World haha
You lost?: my grandma
Right This Moment...
Are you going out?: yea im gonna go for my walk finally!
Will it be with your significant other?: n/a
Or some random person?: n/a
What are you wearing right now?: wouldnt u like to know :)
What are you worried about right now?: nothing
What book are you reading?: Elvis And I
What's on your mousepad?: who knows i barely use it
Use 5 words to describe how you're feeling: quiet, relaxed, calm, comfortable, lazy lol
Are you bored?: not really
Are you tired?: nope just took a nap
Are you talking to anyone online?: nope away msg up in full mode
Are you talking to anyone on the phone?: nope for once!
Are you lonely or content?: content
Are you listening to music?: yes...the roots
September 02, 2004
Reflection
I started soccer officially on tuesday and by golly george i really realized how out of shape I am lol. So to help that factor move along, i started to get active again. Everyday after work i change then go out and basically run/jog/walk basically just do something to keep progress moving. Yesterday I did a 15 min run, then today I walked to stroudsburg for a good 30 min or so...so hopefully i keep building up at a healthy pace so I dont harm my insides. If you jump right out and do something without knowing everything that goes into it, it can really hurt you more than help.
Tonight though when I stopped by my sisters job thinkin I could run into her, my mom and aunt I drove around the lot and parked the car in front of this mini van type of thing. Its dark out and I really wasnt paying much attention. Well as I start walking towards the front door the lady yells out the window "Kelly". Now here I am thinking oh Lord I ran into someone i REALLY dont remember lol. I hate when that happens because sometimes I'm really slow putting 2 and 2 together. Come on now I'm meeting new people literally all day long, sometimes its a little rough. Anyways so i walk up to her window and im looking at this lady thinking I should know her but I dont. She tells me shes Shannons mom, now I have no idea who Shannon is, there where a few in HS, and my old bus drivers daughter but thats all I could come across. Needless to say she had the wrong person, but what really are the chances of some lady yelling out the right name to someone in the middle of a parking lot with not many people filling it at 9:30pm. Whatever reason though, it def made my nite a little more interesting. Maybe something was gonna happen so God had her shout of my name in order to cut a few seconds. You never really know, but hopefully she eventually comes across the right Kelly, and many blessings to her and her family. She was a sweet lady.
Honestly ever since sunday life has just been really interesting, at least from my eyes lol. I'm not gonna go into detail about everything, but just know that the hand of God can move so quick that sometimes you don't even realize you do something until its been over for however long. During my walk up to main street today I really took notice to things I never really paid attention to when I would drive around. I got to see some pretty interesting shops and new places to eat in the area. I got to think and let some things out of my head which is always useful. More importantly though I've let some people see really how in depth and wise I really am. A lot of the time i joke around about the dumbest and littlest things. Basically because I can pull it off and make people laugh most of the time and to me thats important, but it helps cover my real observations about things.
People can only see how wise you are by what you release to them. Ask people I've been close with how I am and see what they say. If their truthful they'll mention that I'm one that likes to challenge people to reach as high as they can or would like to. Eventually you might catch sides to me that sometimes many don't see and hopefully you get something from that. But if you've been keeping up with these blogs, or even spent some time with me you should get the sense that there is something deeper there than whats on the surface. Which I really believe a lot of you are as well. Especially the young ones like myself. Usually we all stick with the *front* of what we think people want to see or whatever makes us feel ok for that day, but the fact remains, who is actually growing or learning from that. From my viewpoint many of us like to meet people that challenge us and what we think, that help us look at another aspect instead of what we've grown to see for who knows how long. Now with this challenge doesn't mean you need to change who you are or what you believe but it should help you think about things differently. So sure its a blessing to make people laugh about whatever is going on, but keep in mind that person may also have the wisdom your searching for but because you don't want to dig to find it, your deliverance is delayed.
So before you start to get angry about what someone said, or you just do before thinking, sit back and ponder if why it hurt so much, is it what your supposed to hear and thats why it hit? Life and death is held in the power of the tounge.
Tonight though when I stopped by my sisters job thinkin I could run into her, my mom and aunt I drove around the lot and parked the car in front of this mini van type of thing. Its dark out and I really wasnt paying much attention. Well as I start walking towards the front door the lady yells out the window "Kelly". Now here I am thinking oh Lord I ran into someone i REALLY dont remember lol. I hate when that happens because sometimes I'm really slow putting 2 and 2 together. Come on now I'm meeting new people literally all day long, sometimes its a little rough. Anyways so i walk up to her window and im looking at this lady thinking I should know her but I dont. She tells me shes Shannons mom, now I have no idea who Shannon is, there where a few in HS, and my old bus drivers daughter but thats all I could come across. Needless to say she had the wrong person, but what really are the chances of some lady yelling out the right name to someone in the middle of a parking lot with not many people filling it at 9:30pm. Whatever reason though, it def made my nite a little more interesting. Maybe something was gonna happen so God had her shout of my name in order to cut a few seconds. You never really know, but hopefully she eventually comes across the right Kelly, and many blessings to her and her family. She was a sweet lady.
Honestly ever since sunday life has just been really interesting, at least from my eyes lol. I'm not gonna go into detail about everything, but just know that the hand of God can move so quick that sometimes you don't even realize you do something until its been over for however long. During my walk up to main street today I really took notice to things I never really paid attention to when I would drive around. I got to see some pretty interesting shops and new places to eat in the area. I got to think and let some things out of my head which is always useful. More importantly though I've let some people see really how in depth and wise I really am. A lot of the time i joke around about the dumbest and littlest things. Basically because I can pull it off and make people laugh most of the time and to me thats important, but it helps cover my real observations about things.
People can only see how wise you are by what you release to them. Ask people I've been close with how I am and see what they say. If their truthful they'll mention that I'm one that likes to challenge people to reach as high as they can or would like to. Eventually you might catch sides to me that sometimes many don't see and hopefully you get something from that. But if you've been keeping up with these blogs, or even spent some time with me you should get the sense that there is something deeper there than whats on the surface. Which I really believe a lot of you are as well. Especially the young ones like myself. Usually we all stick with the *front* of what we think people want to see or whatever makes us feel ok for that day, but the fact remains, who is actually growing or learning from that. From my viewpoint many of us like to meet people that challenge us and what we think, that help us look at another aspect instead of what we've grown to see for who knows how long. Now with this challenge doesn't mean you need to change who you are or what you believe but it should help you think about things differently. So sure its a blessing to make people laugh about whatever is going on, but keep in mind that person may also have the wisdom your searching for but because you don't want to dig to find it, your deliverance is delayed.
So before you start to get angry about what someone said, or you just do before thinking, sit back and ponder if why it hurt so much, is it what your supposed to hear and thats why it hit? Life and death is held in the power of the tounge.
August 30, 2004
God ALWAYS is there
Part of my dream last nite was me realizing when i get to work that I didnt have my shoes. Now i keep them in the car unless im going out somewhere semi nice that way I dont leave em anywhere....well needless to say I just woke up hearing my mom outside my bedroom window with my shoes LOL. I have no idea how I left them up at my parents house, but thanks to God for helpin me out. Its amazing to me how since I changed and let go of some old *garbage* lol, how everything is just working out. The biggest amazement so far came yesterday.
Saturday I went down to Philly for part of the day and I had a semi headache but I got through it till I got home. Well I had to run a few errands and then I headed up to my parents house for the nite. Well when I got there everything fell apart, I was having hot flashes, my stomach felt so empty, and my head was just pounding. I went to sleep considerably early, since I didnt whind up getting there till 9:30, I just was out of it. Everyone was like why don't you just stay home tomorrow (Sunday) and I kept saying no. There was no way I was missing church, especially this week. So my sister made some calls for me and I went to sleep. I was believin that I would be fine without taking any pills. If my stomach felt empty they wouldnt help any, plus I have a very hard time taking them....if i REALLY have to they have to be like childrens asprin (that size).
So I slept till about 7 which is about the time we should be leaving, we got out of the house about 9am. I got to church about 10:30-10:45am which was pretty good for doing everything legal and stopping for gas. Anyways this is where it starts getting interesting. I set up the small things for my area since they already had my camera and all ready to go. There was a lot goin on yesterday that I knew of alone, so what else was to be expected. Well I run the camera thats in front of the congregation. I get the side/front shots of people. Well there was this girl in the 2nd row that looked just like someone I used to kick it with back in the day while gettin in trouble. I go to the back of the room and I tell my sister that theres this girl that looks JUST like her. Well I went back up to the front trying to concentrate but it was on me still. I look over to who she came with and it was one of the guys from my area and then i started noticin little things. God had a word for her that day which I thought was great because it was right on like always. Now keep in mind i havent seen her since my groups last argument. It was before I graduated from High school and that alone was in 2001, so we're talkin 3-4 years.
After service she came up to me and we got to talk for a while. I really can't explain what it feels like when you know someone and be friends with someone while living in the world, and then to let em go and have God bring them back that long ago later, and not just anywhere but to your church service in the BRONX an 1 1/2 hrs away! It was really amazing because a while ago her old house on my parents block had a fire. She mentioned that where all the smoke was and the fact that things wouldve been locked the guys never could have gotten to her. Now she moved out like 3 weeks before that fire. Around that time God put it on me to write her a note with things that I wanted to let her know before I moved, but for some reason everything kept happening and I never got the chance. So God showed me that I would see her again in church but this was a while ago. Needless to say God always delivers. She looks so much happier now and light. You can tell instantly when people have depression or any other spirit like that around them, but she doesnt anymore. Its a beautful thing to see friends of mine come check out what we do, but to see someone who you couldve ended up goin to jail with lol, it just goes into a VERY bigger light.
We exchanged info, and she mentioned that she was coming back, I really hope so because you could tell during the service that she got into it all.
So yea, that was sunday. Everything that Ive been seeing since the begining of the year has been comin to pass, so people better hold on for whats about to happen! Almost all the people I used to chill and cause trouble with are now saved, so that just goes to show how he really works. It was hard leavin that life then, but theres no words to can describe what its like to meet up again especially the way we are. I gotta get going but def don't let anything stop you from what God has planned, just like I said on Saturday Mornings Post.
Have a blessed one-
Peace Out
Saturday I went down to Philly for part of the day and I had a semi headache but I got through it till I got home. Well I had to run a few errands and then I headed up to my parents house for the nite. Well when I got there everything fell apart, I was having hot flashes, my stomach felt so empty, and my head was just pounding. I went to sleep considerably early, since I didnt whind up getting there till 9:30, I just was out of it. Everyone was like why don't you just stay home tomorrow (Sunday) and I kept saying no. There was no way I was missing church, especially this week. So my sister made some calls for me and I went to sleep. I was believin that I would be fine without taking any pills. If my stomach felt empty they wouldnt help any, plus I have a very hard time taking them....if i REALLY have to they have to be like childrens asprin (that size).
So I slept till about 7 which is about the time we should be leaving, we got out of the house about 9am. I got to church about 10:30-10:45am which was pretty good for doing everything legal and stopping for gas. Anyways this is where it starts getting interesting. I set up the small things for my area since they already had my camera and all ready to go. There was a lot goin on yesterday that I knew of alone, so what else was to be expected. Well I run the camera thats in front of the congregation. I get the side/front shots of people. Well there was this girl in the 2nd row that looked just like someone I used to kick it with back in the day while gettin in trouble. I go to the back of the room and I tell my sister that theres this girl that looks JUST like her. Well I went back up to the front trying to concentrate but it was on me still. I look over to who she came with and it was one of the guys from my area and then i started noticin little things. God had a word for her that day which I thought was great because it was right on like always. Now keep in mind i havent seen her since my groups last argument. It was before I graduated from High school and that alone was in 2001, so we're talkin 3-4 years.
After service she came up to me and we got to talk for a while. I really can't explain what it feels like when you know someone and be friends with someone while living in the world, and then to let em go and have God bring them back that long ago later, and not just anywhere but to your church service in the BRONX an 1 1/2 hrs away! It was really amazing because a while ago her old house on my parents block had a fire. She mentioned that where all the smoke was and the fact that things wouldve been locked the guys never could have gotten to her. Now she moved out like 3 weeks before that fire. Around that time God put it on me to write her a note with things that I wanted to let her know before I moved, but for some reason everything kept happening and I never got the chance. So God showed me that I would see her again in church but this was a while ago. Needless to say God always delivers. She looks so much happier now and light. You can tell instantly when people have depression or any other spirit like that around them, but she doesnt anymore. Its a beautful thing to see friends of mine come check out what we do, but to see someone who you couldve ended up goin to jail with lol, it just goes into a VERY bigger light.
We exchanged info, and she mentioned that she was coming back, I really hope so because you could tell during the service that she got into it all.
So yea, that was sunday. Everything that Ive been seeing since the begining of the year has been comin to pass, so people better hold on for whats about to happen! Almost all the people I used to chill and cause trouble with are now saved, so that just goes to show how he really works. It was hard leavin that life then, but theres no words to can describe what its like to meet up again especially the way we are. I gotta get going but def don't let anything stop you from what God has planned, just like I said on Saturday Mornings Post.
Have a blessed one-
Peace Out
August 28, 2004
Stop being distracted
I just got back from Philly, and on the trip I did some thinking. If your in agreement with someone wether it be a company partner, a friend, a relative, who ever it may be....if that ship sinks somewhere it can't be just one persons fault. Now stick with me here. On a team if someone isn't doing as great as others some people may think that the best route to go is to bench that person...well to me their not learning anything that way. The only way they can see things get better is if someone goes and helps them whereever they may be lacking. Kinda goes the same way with all types of relationships.
I was talking to a buddy of mine last nite, and shes actually relocating which i totally support not for any other reason than because I know its what she has to do to get to where shes destined to be. Anyways we where discussing things that have been going on in our lives since we only get to talk about once or twice a week. We're both the type of people that will fess up when we mess up in area, wether its sooner or later its always done. So I know im not completly off the wall with my notion. If you don't step up to the areas that you lack in but allow the other person to take full blame for it all, it really shows the true character coming through. This seems to be the topic of everyones discussions around me lately come to think about it, even those I dont get to see but talk to over AIM.
At bible study one of the questions that was asked was what is the type of person that just gets on your last nerves. Well my response was those that dont have or support visions or dreams. Now to add on to that because after I gave my responce the other one hit me: Those that don't EVER admit that their wrong lol. That just IRKS me on so many different levels. I'm 20, and sometimes saying I messed up can be hard but the thing is its part of adulthood. Some just still think their 10 on the playground and its cool to huff and puff about something for days, months, years on end. Dear Lord help those stubborn individuals. haha
Its not about who's right and wrong to me because like I said if one fails you both do. But when people dont learn to step up it really makes u really see how selfish they really are. I've been blinded by people big time in the last 3 years for whatever the reasons may be. A lot of the time I think something is wrong if for some reason I stop caring about them, but I've come to find that the reason i stop caring is because that feeling is gone due to them losing faith in themselves. Some people just have astonishment all over them, and when we first meet I think they have that drive to want something better for themselves and some do. But after those that put up that front finally drop it you see they are content with how their life is and thats what they've learned to accept. Now if this changes it does and thats a great thing, but if it doesnt then what can ya do. Anything you want is possible if you don't lose that desire to actually obtain it.
If you think its nuts I don't plan on working the rest of my life but plan on starting my own visions and dreams God planted in me...then think that....with everything you have in you. I actually thrive off that and it makes me work harder, but the fact remains I'm not going to let myself get in the way of what God has planned for me. Satan can't stop something that God has planned for you, he can only get you to abort it. What is it that you want that you think is so far off it doesnt seem possible anymore? Why don't you pick it back up again and go after it. You have that desire for a reason. Step up and accept your task and it will pay off more in the long run than you could ever believe. Stop being scared and making excuses........just do it.
I was talking to a buddy of mine last nite, and shes actually relocating which i totally support not for any other reason than because I know its what she has to do to get to where shes destined to be. Anyways we where discussing things that have been going on in our lives since we only get to talk about once or twice a week. We're both the type of people that will fess up when we mess up in area, wether its sooner or later its always done. So I know im not completly off the wall with my notion. If you don't step up to the areas that you lack in but allow the other person to take full blame for it all, it really shows the true character coming through. This seems to be the topic of everyones discussions around me lately come to think about it, even those I dont get to see but talk to over AIM.
At bible study one of the questions that was asked was what is the type of person that just gets on your last nerves. Well my response was those that dont have or support visions or dreams. Now to add on to that because after I gave my responce the other one hit me: Those that don't EVER admit that their wrong lol. That just IRKS me on so many different levels. I'm 20, and sometimes saying I messed up can be hard but the thing is its part of adulthood. Some just still think their 10 on the playground and its cool to huff and puff about something for days, months, years on end. Dear Lord help those stubborn individuals. haha
Its not about who's right and wrong to me because like I said if one fails you both do. But when people dont learn to step up it really makes u really see how selfish they really are. I've been blinded by people big time in the last 3 years for whatever the reasons may be. A lot of the time I think something is wrong if for some reason I stop caring about them, but I've come to find that the reason i stop caring is because that feeling is gone due to them losing faith in themselves. Some people just have astonishment all over them, and when we first meet I think they have that drive to want something better for themselves and some do. But after those that put up that front finally drop it you see they are content with how their life is and thats what they've learned to accept. Now if this changes it does and thats a great thing, but if it doesnt then what can ya do. Anything you want is possible if you don't lose that desire to actually obtain it.
If you think its nuts I don't plan on working the rest of my life but plan on starting my own visions and dreams God planted in me...then think that....with everything you have in you. I actually thrive off that and it makes me work harder, but the fact remains I'm not going to let myself get in the way of what God has planned for me. Satan can't stop something that God has planned for you, he can only get you to abort it. What is it that you want that you think is so far off it doesnt seem possible anymore? Why don't you pick it back up again and go after it. You have that desire for a reason. Step up and accept your task and it will pay off more in the long run than you could ever believe. Stop being scared and making excuses........just do it.
August 24, 2004
Update
Wow, about 2 weeks or so since my last post...thats a change! Well since the last posting ive been across the USA...well southwards, i got my first credit card :) that within itself has been a mission. Everyone said I needed a checking accnt/more credit/blah blah blah. Well needless to say im still without those things and I got a card with a nice credit line and looks pretty with my name on it ;) i still prefer and always will love cash, but to book my trips cash wont cut it. The biggest thing right now would prob be playin soccer again. Now to most people they would be idly perplexed why this is a big thing. Well thanks for askin, ill fill you in!
I grew up on the game, its what I did. When everyone else in my family had their own things going on that was always mine. Needless to say though a few years ago I went into *early retirement* haha, and havent really played since, at least not seriously. My first game is next tuesday so I already went out gear shopping which alone felt really odd for some reason. It was like I was jumping back into a life that I left for a reason. Soccer consumed my life, and I really couldnt give it 100%. When you play you have to devote your life to it whether it be conditioning to stay in shape, and even just keeping up with basic skills. Its one of those sports where even in the off season you have to keep up that way your ready for when its time to play. Actually all sports are like that, but this one is one you need to stick with.
The reason im getting back into it though is because the team is associated through work, and their schedules and such are really light to work with. Softball was a good workout, and it was def what I needed to get myself back into working as a team again. So we'll see how it goes, I havent played a Saturday AM game in forever, so that should def be interesting again :)
As far as my trip, dear lord, what stories I could tell! For those that don't know we drove down...which as I said last year I was never going to do, but we did haha. Tenneesse the state I'll prob never spell right! Theres too many letters that double up so ill just stick with TN! Well I told my sister last winter if she wanted to go to Elvis Week 04' that she needed to get a job and save up her own money for it. She got a job at a local supermarket literally the last day I was gonna book the trip. For all those that think I don't stick to my word...really...think again :)
Oh course the weather departing was LOVELY, hurricane Bonnie or whatever its stupid name was haha. Needless to say I left work at 1 thinking we could be on the road by the LATEST 4...well...4pm came and went lmao. We didnt whind up leaving till 8pm. We had to take the route that my sister wanted to take (we took most of it last yr for Chicago)...the storm was down the whole east coast so my plan was out the window. Crossing PA we stopped near 3/4 of the way through so i could just get some gas and charge my cell phone. Well this truckstop had to be the happenin place to be at like 12am?! Because of rain we where taking longer than expected but what we saw was 10 times odder. This family comes in and its like a family reunion at this truckstop!? I was on the phone with one of the guys I work with and I couldnt believe it. There was like 15 of em just being complete idiots haha. Most of em where kids too, which boggled us more. The diner part had phones on the counter for what I really don't know. To them we looked like hoodlums from NYC lol. As we left the whole *roudy* bunch of 2 tables just went into a hush like the president just walked by. It was sooo funny. Good riddens to that place!
Thats just one of MANY stories we have for each state, there was 1 or 2 more for PA going...but def don't wanna keep this post going (plus I need to get ready for work). Ive been attempting to write though for a while, but with everything going on I really don't have time for it at nite. Hopefully though i can get a few more stories out because for those that don't see the videos your really missing out :) Me and Krissy in a car for about 20 hrs at least at a time can be pretty funny! Anyways it's time to start flyin again, 1 road trip a year is enough for me. On the topic tho, gas was only like 60.00 each way which was surprising to me, because we went a lot farther but we spent less money than last yr. Thats prob tho cause there was no tolls (thank you God!)
*BTW if i dont post this I may be seen as a unpatriotic human (if i even spelled that right!) but, watch the olympics! Esp indoor volleyball! (see Karla I care :) )
More to come :)
Have a blessed one.
Words of wisdom comes from a KY billboard: "He who angers you, controls you"
I grew up on the game, its what I did. When everyone else in my family had their own things going on that was always mine. Needless to say though a few years ago I went into *early retirement* haha, and havent really played since, at least not seriously. My first game is next tuesday so I already went out gear shopping which alone felt really odd for some reason. It was like I was jumping back into a life that I left for a reason. Soccer consumed my life, and I really couldnt give it 100%. When you play you have to devote your life to it whether it be conditioning to stay in shape, and even just keeping up with basic skills. Its one of those sports where even in the off season you have to keep up that way your ready for when its time to play. Actually all sports are like that, but this one is one you need to stick with.
The reason im getting back into it though is because the team is associated through work, and their schedules and such are really light to work with. Softball was a good workout, and it was def what I needed to get myself back into working as a team again. So we'll see how it goes, I havent played a Saturday AM game in forever, so that should def be interesting again :)
As far as my trip, dear lord, what stories I could tell! For those that don't know we drove down...which as I said last year I was never going to do, but we did haha. Tenneesse the state I'll prob never spell right! Theres too many letters that double up so ill just stick with TN! Well I told my sister last winter if she wanted to go to Elvis Week 04' that she needed to get a job and save up her own money for it. She got a job at a local supermarket literally the last day I was gonna book the trip. For all those that think I don't stick to my word...really...think again :)
Oh course the weather departing was LOVELY, hurricane Bonnie or whatever its stupid name was haha. Needless to say I left work at 1 thinking we could be on the road by the LATEST 4...well...4pm came and went lmao. We didnt whind up leaving till 8pm. We had to take the route that my sister wanted to take (we took most of it last yr for Chicago)...the storm was down the whole east coast so my plan was out the window. Crossing PA we stopped near 3/4 of the way through so i could just get some gas and charge my cell phone. Well this truckstop had to be the happenin place to be at like 12am?! Because of rain we where taking longer than expected but what we saw was 10 times odder. This family comes in and its like a family reunion at this truckstop!? I was on the phone with one of the guys I work with and I couldnt believe it. There was like 15 of em just being complete idiots haha. Most of em where kids too, which boggled us more. The diner part had phones on the counter for what I really don't know. To them we looked like hoodlums from NYC lol. As we left the whole *roudy* bunch of 2 tables just went into a hush like the president just walked by. It was sooo funny. Good riddens to that place!
Thats just one of MANY stories we have for each state, there was 1 or 2 more for PA going...but def don't wanna keep this post going (plus I need to get ready for work). Ive been attempting to write though for a while, but with everything going on I really don't have time for it at nite. Hopefully though i can get a few more stories out because for those that don't see the videos your really missing out :) Me and Krissy in a car for about 20 hrs at least at a time can be pretty funny! Anyways it's time to start flyin again, 1 road trip a year is enough for me. On the topic tho, gas was only like 60.00 each way which was surprising to me, because we went a lot farther but we spent less money than last yr. Thats prob tho cause there was no tolls (thank you God!)
*BTW if i dont post this I may be seen as a unpatriotic human (if i even spelled that right!) but, watch the olympics! Esp indoor volleyball! (see Karla I care :) )
More to come :)
Have a blessed one.
Words of wisdom comes from a KY billboard: "He who angers you, controls you"
August 11, 2004
Without You
It came to me like words in a song,
that described every moment
and covered every emotion
that came along.
What was it that I hoped for,
and really was it what I wanted.
Looking for a glimmer,
a shine that I could see,
To let me know it was all meant to be.
A glimpse, a hope, of what was to come,
of a life not close to knowing
or what could be drempt up.
It was far from impossible,
Only too close to see.
That the simple things worth noticing,
Never took life to be.
Time amazingly flies,
A thought of Goodbye comes to mind.
But is it time to let go, and to grow.
To take that step and appreciate the flow.
You make your life what its made to feel,
The pain and joy come by the decisions & deals.
But why waste a moment that you may never get back,
appreciate each smile, and laugh saved just like scraps.
Who cares for yesterday when you can live for today,
and anticipate the outcome of what you have to say.
You forgive me in my times of weakness,
and stand by me when things get rough.
But i know without you again,
I'd be lost without a doubt.
You mean more to me than words could express,
and because of you my life is blessed.
Not just with the things people can see,
but by the feeling growing everyday inside me.
Your my savior, my friend, my companion till the end.
Hopefully people see past my foolishness,
and how you help mold me daily.
Its because of you my life makes sense
and thanks for my presents...
the ones that I call my friends.
------------------------------------------------
This was inside my head, so i just wrote it down. No I don't write poems or anything of that nature, but just speak what I feel. Its up to your interpretation. Have a good nite. Be back after vacation :)
that described every moment
and covered every emotion
that came along.
What was it that I hoped for,
and really was it what I wanted.
Looking for a glimmer,
a shine that I could see,
To let me know it was all meant to be.
A glimpse, a hope, of what was to come,
of a life not close to knowing
or what could be drempt up.
It was far from impossible,
Only too close to see.
That the simple things worth noticing,
Never took life to be.
Time amazingly flies,
A thought of Goodbye comes to mind.
But is it time to let go, and to grow.
To take that step and appreciate the flow.
You make your life what its made to feel,
The pain and joy come by the decisions & deals.
But why waste a moment that you may never get back,
appreciate each smile, and laugh saved just like scraps.
Who cares for yesterday when you can live for today,
and anticipate the outcome of what you have to say.
You forgive me in my times of weakness,
and stand by me when things get rough.
But i know without you again,
I'd be lost without a doubt.
You mean more to me than words could express,
and because of you my life is blessed.
Not just with the things people can see,
but by the feeling growing everyday inside me.
Your my savior, my friend, my companion till the end.
Hopefully people see past my foolishness,
and how you help mold me daily.
Its because of you my life makes sense
and thanks for my presents...
the ones that I call my friends.
------------------------------------------------
This was inside my head, so i just wrote it down. No I don't write poems or anything of that nature, but just speak what I feel. Its up to your interpretation. Have a good nite. Be back after vacation :)
August 03, 2004
Favor and Faith
Short praise report: haha
For those that haven't heard, ive been in the market of getting a new camcorder to replace the one I attempted to repair. Hey at least I took a shot at it :) Thats about how far it went too! Anyways i FINALLY found one on ebay that was just a really great deal, and I wanted it for this past weekend. The auction ended on Saturday (2 weeks ago) I sent the money order out Monday...here comes this past weekend and its still not here. Not good. I've never had a problem over ebay, and this def wasnt a good place to start.
Well the owner sent out the camera on thursday, priority mail....i leave early for work monday, about 7:30am. My softball game (our first playoff game was scheduled for 5:45), that was cancelled...so here I am with no game, and no camera at 5:30pm. Yea that def wasnt a fun afternoon to say the least. On the way home I knew i had to go to the bank, but I wanted to go there first before goin home. Nope didnt happen that way lol. God said go home....so I went.
I pull in, park the car....come inside to find a note from the post office. It was one of those *sorry we missed u cards*. I was like no way was it here and no one signed for it! Come on now lol. Keep in mind its now about 6:30pm and the Post Office closes at 5. Well supposed to at least ;)
Im holding the card as im walkin around just thinkin maybe i should call them? It was just on me heavy to call em, and my minds like um its a 1 1.2 hrs later lol, no ones there. So what do i do...
I call em :) ...see i dont always listen to my mind, thank God!
Well i unhooked my phone ages ago cause im always on the net and i was tired of telemarketer answering msgs so my cordless was dead. Thats why i love speaker phone :) After a few rings this girl answers. Im like no way! So I was explaining of how I just get home and i REALLY need this package...and blah blah blah. Left and right shes like nope, sorry cant help you....try back tomorrow. So at that point im just like ok Lord, I called em, i did everything i was supposed to do, can u just help me out a lil bit please? haha...needless to say she puts me on hold!
After the day I had this just was at the last part of my patience lol. A few moments later shes like well one of our trucks is missing right now, thats how come we're here. Now where do u live. So i told her, and she said if I could get there within 5 min I could come and get my package. Now being I live 30 secs away from the post office, needless to say i was bouncin off the walls. Get this....as i cross the tracks to get to the back enterance of the building, the missing post office truck shows up lol. That lady showed me favor, and they got their truck back so they could go home lmao...sweet deal ill say. Plus after I left there, the train that runs through Eastburg finally showed itself. Now i moved here 2 yrs ago, and ive always have just missed it, or heard it...ive never seen it right there. Needless to say i dont wanna see it ever again LOL, it took FOREVER to pass through. Your may be wondering if i ever made it back to the bank...as soon as i got back to my place i remembered, so I got there with a lil time left. Good thing everything is local.
I got the camera home yesterday, and boy do i love toys lol. Ive been without a camera for such a while now its nuts. I never got to take one to VA when we went in May, and ive missed out on a lot of things since then, esp this past weekend. Its the greatest tho...def was worth the wait and the price i got it for. Now its all geared up for next weeks vacation! Well part of next week, into the following week :) I wanna get a few things for it before we go if i can...we'll see. Either way its gonna be good.
The moral of todays story....no matter how late or behind you seem, dont ever think its too late for something to happen. I expect the *out of ordinary* to happen for me because God said it would. No matter how much I may mess up from time to time, the blessings aren't going to stop. Sometimes you just have to do what doesnt make sense at the time for the rest of the pieces to fall together towards the bigger picture. I started my search for my childhood friend, and I know that even the small emails or posts that go out really may not click right now, but it may just be the thing that helps me out the most. You really don't know what could happen until u try and have tried everything that there is to go at. Digging a little deeper to see the real reason. Discouragement will face you, but its what you decide to do that benifits the outcome. Only you can prevent yourself from getting really whats meant for you. Favor with God can bring you things that money could never take the place of. Something I saw in a vision:
Mindless
Obsticles
Taint
Ideas
Visions
And
Treasures.
Inspire
Others
Nonstop
....Just do what you do & stop getting in the way of whats really meant for u, not just what you may want at this moment.
For those that haven't heard, ive been in the market of getting a new camcorder to replace the one I attempted to repair. Hey at least I took a shot at it :) Thats about how far it went too! Anyways i FINALLY found one on ebay that was just a really great deal, and I wanted it for this past weekend. The auction ended on Saturday (2 weeks ago) I sent the money order out Monday...here comes this past weekend and its still not here. Not good. I've never had a problem over ebay, and this def wasnt a good place to start.
Well the owner sent out the camera on thursday, priority mail....i leave early for work monday, about 7:30am. My softball game (our first playoff game was scheduled for 5:45), that was cancelled...so here I am with no game, and no camera at 5:30pm. Yea that def wasnt a fun afternoon to say the least. On the way home I knew i had to go to the bank, but I wanted to go there first before goin home. Nope didnt happen that way lol. God said go home....so I went.
I pull in, park the car....come inside to find a note from the post office. It was one of those *sorry we missed u cards*. I was like no way was it here and no one signed for it! Come on now lol. Keep in mind its now about 6:30pm and the Post Office closes at 5. Well supposed to at least ;)
Im holding the card as im walkin around just thinkin maybe i should call them? It was just on me heavy to call em, and my minds like um its a 1 1.2 hrs later lol, no ones there. So what do i do...
I call em :) ...see i dont always listen to my mind, thank God!
Well i unhooked my phone ages ago cause im always on the net and i was tired of telemarketer answering msgs so my cordless was dead. Thats why i love speaker phone :) After a few rings this girl answers. Im like no way! So I was explaining of how I just get home and i REALLY need this package...and blah blah blah. Left and right shes like nope, sorry cant help you....try back tomorrow. So at that point im just like ok Lord, I called em, i did everything i was supposed to do, can u just help me out a lil bit please? haha...needless to say she puts me on hold!
After the day I had this just was at the last part of my patience lol. A few moments later shes like well one of our trucks is missing right now, thats how come we're here. Now where do u live. So i told her, and she said if I could get there within 5 min I could come and get my package. Now being I live 30 secs away from the post office, needless to say i was bouncin off the walls. Get this....as i cross the tracks to get to the back enterance of the building, the missing post office truck shows up lol. That lady showed me favor, and they got their truck back so they could go home lmao...sweet deal ill say. Plus after I left there, the train that runs through Eastburg finally showed itself. Now i moved here 2 yrs ago, and ive always have just missed it, or heard it...ive never seen it right there. Needless to say i dont wanna see it ever again LOL, it took FOREVER to pass through. Your may be wondering if i ever made it back to the bank...as soon as i got back to my place i remembered, so I got there with a lil time left. Good thing everything is local.
I got the camera home yesterday, and boy do i love toys lol. Ive been without a camera for such a while now its nuts. I never got to take one to VA when we went in May, and ive missed out on a lot of things since then, esp this past weekend. Its the greatest tho...def was worth the wait and the price i got it for. Now its all geared up for next weeks vacation! Well part of next week, into the following week :) I wanna get a few things for it before we go if i can...we'll see. Either way its gonna be good.
The moral of todays story....no matter how late or behind you seem, dont ever think its too late for something to happen. I expect the *out of ordinary* to happen for me because God said it would. No matter how much I may mess up from time to time, the blessings aren't going to stop. Sometimes you just have to do what doesnt make sense at the time for the rest of the pieces to fall together towards the bigger picture. I started my search for my childhood friend, and I know that even the small emails or posts that go out really may not click right now, but it may just be the thing that helps me out the most. You really don't know what could happen until u try and have tried everything that there is to go at. Digging a little deeper to see the real reason. Discouragement will face you, but its what you decide to do that benifits the outcome. Only you can prevent yourself from getting really whats meant for you. Favor with God can bring you things that money could never take the place of. Something I saw in a vision:
Mindless
Obsticles
Taint
Ideas
Visions
And
Treasures.
Inspire
Others
Nonstop
....Just do what you do & stop getting in the way of whats really meant for u, not just what you may want at this moment.
July 31, 2004
My Theme Song
Have you ever heard a song that pretty much summed you up to a *T*...well I heard this today, so therefore its my new motivating theme song :)
*Breakaway* by Kelly Clarkson
Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray
Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I'd pray
I could break away
I'll spread my wings
and I'll learn how to fly.
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky.
Make a wish, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Out of the darkness
and into the sun.
But I won't forget all the ones that I love.
I'll take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away
Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jetplane
Far away
And break away
I'll spread my wings
and I'll learn how to fly.
I'll do what it takes
till I touch the sky.
Make a wish, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Out of the darkness
and into the sun.
But I won't forget all the ones that I love.
I'll take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away
Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging with revolving doors
Maybe I don’t know where they’ll take me
Gotta keep movin on movin on
Fly away Break away
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly.
Though it’s not easy to tell you goodbye
Make a wish, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Out of the darkness
and into the sun.
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away
Breakaway
Break away
*Breakaway* by Kelly Clarkson
Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray
Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I'd pray
I could break away
I'll spread my wings
and I'll learn how to fly.
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky.
Make a wish, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Out of the darkness
and into the sun.
But I won't forget all the ones that I love.
I'll take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away
Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jetplane
Far away
And break away
I'll spread my wings
and I'll learn how to fly.
I'll do what it takes
till I touch the sky.
Make a wish, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Out of the darkness
and into the sun.
But I won't forget all the ones that I love.
I'll take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away
Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging with revolving doors
Maybe I don’t know where they’ll take me
Gotta keep movin on movin on
Fly away Break away
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly.
Though it’s not easy to tell you goodbye
Make a wish, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Out of the darkness
and into the sun.
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away
Breakaway
Break away
July 27, 2004
Keep knocking
*When your ready to conquer the things that try to keep you down, don't be scared. Just face the fear and laugh*
Today was a day where I felt like I wasn't really me, but living through all the memories I've ever had, especially as a young child back in Bayonne. I remembered watching scenes of ET for the first time while making macaroni jewlery which was colored. I could see the old driveway we used to stand and play in before pre-school. My school was on my block, so we'd just walk down the street. I even saw Steven, he was my first ever boyfriend haha. Lord what I would give to meet up with him now lol. Thats right, when I was rockin the dresses, i played music and occupied myself around the fellas....maybe thats why I'm so picky now...cause i know what i deserve :). Hmm...dont blame him tho dudes :)
So the story begins...haha
Back in Bayonne, life was simple, at least to me it was no matter how much a mess it was. I remember my first best friend EVER on the face of the earth was this girl Daisey that lived next door. I can remember the stupid games we'd come up with, and how hanging outside was just something that was fun to do. When we where house hunting to come to PA (which i was never told about in any kind of simple explanation) we where outside in one of those kiddie pools just chillin, and i got this odd feeling inside of me. Needless to say a few months later, we moved, and life as I knew it was over. Krissy was only a year old (LOL, Joey was a month from being born...and then kimmy came after a mini break) things where always in constant motion, and needless to say life was really hard on all of us. People had issues that they didn't see or want to resolve even if they knew how, we where all pretty much stuck learning how to do things all over again, and for me that was really hard. Especially since I was still learning how to do things period!
We went back to Bayonne RELIGIOUSLY for years...always every saturday, and sometimes stayin till sunday depending on if anyone honestly was in the shape to drive back. Still though I always wondered about my best friend. Being so young, I couldnt go anywhere except hang out in Johns (the bar) the whole day. That was one of the hardest times growing up, but also in the same respect probably the biggest blessing because the desire to drink was never there, and still isn't. I saw those people in there, and NEVER wanted to end up like that. I told them about my dreams about wanting to go to the Olympics, while they all thought I should be a model LMAO. Yea ok' ;) Keep drinkin and bettin fellas :)
Back when I was about 11-12 I had my dad take me down the block, and I decided that day that I was gonna go to her house and see if they still lived in the house next door. They did, we hung out and I can remember it like it was yesterday. The weather was rainy, and thats when rollerblading was "in" lmao. Things for that time just made sense again...I had my life back, even after so long. Time though came, and my dad picked me up. While sitting outside right before I left she asked me not to go, and i asked why. She was afraid that I was never going to be back, I said I would....
....I never was.
I, till this day still feel this soreness in me about it. But hopefully through this I can get past it and face my fear. I've been down that block a million and one times since then, and everytime I go, I think about knocking again, but because of lack of knowledge of her and her family, I dont know how to track them down if they don't live there. A huge part of me still goes down that block remembering about the school that once was there, that no longer is, about the simple times, and doesn't want to see that change. My fear is that if I go there and actually come to find that they did leave, that my question is answered, and what next scares me. It's easy to question things, but do you really want to know those answers?
I keep myself in situation that seem to drag on forever because theres a part of me thats actually afraid of change. I LOVE to experience new things all the time, I've been blessed with the oppurtunties that have been lead my way, and the people i've met...but nothing compares to the simple things that still wander throughout my head from time to time. When i moved and left my life behind, I think thats really where the discomfort came of actually settling down somewhere. I'm always on the go, looking and helping out where ever I can. I'm not one that can stick to one spot for years and years. I found how to leave things behind, and not look back pretty comfortably. Maybe too well.
I think no matter where I was, God would still be a huge part of my life. In fact, the doctors didn't even know if I was going to be a healthy baby, or even make it at all. Well needless to say God had other plans. I can remember attacks the devil made on me even as a youngin. It's amazing how its easy to point it out now, then you kinda just hit it on the head and move on. There is part of me that will always wonder, part of me that maybe one day will really fill in when I establish a new life of my own, set to where I can plant my feet. Until then I will reflect back on the days of popples, and teddy ruxpin.....times when jumping off the stoop was an accomplishment.....riding my bike with my cousin at my grandmothers house that was only 2 blocks away about.....times when things where simple, not complex. The hardest thing to decide was what to get from the ice cream man!
I admire kids, because most of the time, they don't bring anything to the complexity that we do. Yes, kids are smart, but granted, especially being 1 of 6, your concerns are completly different. They don't stress over payments, or how will things work out. They just have faith it will if its supposed to. When making a promise about going to the movies will have you doing a million and one things just because someone actually said yes. Soccer saved me here, it gave me an outlet to grow and find myself. Thats where I really got my first taste of settling down.
I love my life, and the people i've met and still have. I can't imagine of going to another church besides JCMI, the experiences I've had where I'd had to have people pinch me over and over to prove it really happened. No matter the struggle, I'm happy where I am, and can't wait to see where I end up.
Maybe one day I'll come across Daisey's path again, maybe not, but not everyone can say they can remember events that happened, and exactly how they remember that feeling in them when it did. I may not remember every detail now about things that have happened, or every word spoken, but when it comes to remembering how I felt, thats never an issue. I remember what it was like to start a life all over again, what its been like to recover it for a day and leave it behind again, but I also remember what its like to be completly lost and don't know which way to turn.
Go to the place that scares you more than you could ever imagine....stand at the door.....whats all around you may be trying to keep you from all that you want to know....but you don't know until you knock. The hardest part is actually having your questions answered....so start slow, and keep knocking...you may never know what your missing out on, or better yet, who.
Today was a day where I felt like I wasn't really me, but living through all the memories I've ever had, especially as a young child back in Bayonne. I remembered watching scenes of ET for the first time while making macaroni jewlery which was colored. I could see the old driveway we used to stand and play in before pre-school. My school was on my block, so we'd just walk down the street. I even saw Steven, he was my first ever boyfriend haha. Lord what I would give to meet up with him now lol. Thats right, when I was rockin the dresses, i played music and occupied myself around the fellas....maybe thats why I'm so picky now...cause i know what i deserve :). Hmm...dont blame him tho dudes :)
So the story begins...haha
Back in Bayonne, life was simple, at least to me it was no matter how much a mess it was. I remember my first best friend EVER on the face of the earth was this girl Daisey that lived next door. I can remember the stupid games we'd come up with, and how hanging outside was just something that was fun to do. When we where house hunting to come to PA (which i was never told about in any kind of simple explanation) we where outside in one of those kiddie pools just chillin, and i got this odd feeling inside of me. Needless to say a few months later, we moved, and life as I knew it was over. Krissy was only a year old (LOL, Joey was a month from being born...and then kimmy came after a mini break) things where always in constant motion, and needless to say life was really hard on all of us. People had issues that they didn't see or want to resolve even if they knew how, we where all pretty much stuck learning how to do things all over again, and for me that was really hard. Especially since I was still learning how to do things period!
We went back to Bayonne RELIGIOUSLY for years...always every saturday, and sometimes stayin till sunday depending on if anyone honestly was in the shape to drive back. Still though I always wondered about my best friend. Being so young, I couldnt go anywhere except hang out in Johns (the bar) the whole day. That was one of the hardest times growing up, but also in the same respect probably the biggest blessing because the desire to drink was never there, and still isn't. I saw those people in there, and NEVER wanted to end up like that. I told them about my dreams about wanting to go to the Olympics, while they all thought I should be a model LMAO. Yea ok' ;) Keep drinkin and bettin fellas :)
Back when I was about 11-12 I had my dad take me down the block, and I decided that day that I was gonna go to her house and see if they still lived in the house next door. They did, we hung out and I can remember it like it was yesterday. The weather was rainy, and thats when rollerblading was "in" lmao. Things for that time just made sense again...I had my life back, even after so long. Time though came, and my dad picked me up. While sitting outside right before I left she asked me not to go, and i asked why. She was afraid that I was never going to be back, I said I would....
....I never was.
I, till this day still feel this soreness in me about it. But hopefully through this I can get past it and face my fear. I've been down that block a million and one times since then, and everytime I go, I think about knocking again, but because of lack of knowledge of her and her family, I dont know how to track them down if they don't live there. A huge part of me still goes down that block remembering about the school that once was there, that no longer is, about the simple times, and doesn't want to see that change. My fear is that if I go there and actually come to find that they did leave, that my question is answered, and what next scares me. It's easy to question things, but do you really want to know those answers?
I keep myself in situation that seem to drag on forever because theres a part of me thats actually afraid of change. I LOVE to experience new things all the time, I've been blessed with the oppurtunties that have been lead my way, and the people i've met...but nothing compares to the simple things that still wander throughout my head from time to time. When i moved and left my life behind, I think thats really where the discomfort came of actually settling down somewhere. I'm always on the go, looking and helping out where ever I can. I'm not one that can stick to one spot for years and years. I found how to leave things behind, and not look back pretty comfortably. Maybe too well.
I think no matter where I was, God would still be a huge part of my life. In fact, the doctors didn't even know if I was going to be a healthy baby, or even make it at all. Well needless to say God had other plans. I can remember attacks the devil made on me even as a youngin. It's amazing how its easy to point it out now, then you kinda just hit it on the head and move on. There is part of me that will always wonder, part of me that maybe one day will really fill in when I establish a new life of my own, set to where I can plant my feet. Until then I will reflect back on the days of popples, and teddy ruxpin.....times when jumping off the stoop was an accomplishment.....riding my bike with my cousin at my grandmothers house that was only 2 blocks away about.....times when things where simple, not complex. The hardest thing to decide was what to get from the ice cream man!
I admire kids, because most of the time, they don't bring anything to the complexity that we do. Yes, kids are smart, but granted, especially being 1 of 6, your concerns are completly different. They don't stress over payments, or how will things work out. They just have faith it will if its supposed to. When making a promise about going to the movies will have you doing a million and one things just because someone actually said yes. Soccer saved me here, it gave me an outlet to grow and find myself. Thats where I really got my first taste of settling down.
I love my life, and the people i've met and still have. I can't imagine of going to another church besides JCMI, the experiences I've had where I'd had to have people pinch me over and over to prove it really happened. No matter the struggle, I'm happy where I am, and can't wait to see where I end up.
Maybe one day I'll come across Daisey's path again, maybe not, but not everyone can say they can remember events that happened, and exactly how they remember that feeling in them when it did. I may not remember every detail now about things that have happened, or every word spoken, but when it comes to remembering how I felt, thats never an issue. I remember what it was like to start a life all over again, what its been like to recover it for a day and leave it behind again, but I also remember what its like to be completly lost and don't know which way to turn.
Go to the place that scares you more than you could ever imagine....stand at the door.....whats all around you may be trying to keep you from all that you want to know....but you don't know until you knock. The hardest part is actually having your questions answered....so start slow, and keep knocking...you may never know what your missing out on, or better yet, who.
July 21, 2004
Simpleness
*If your trying too hard, it wasnt meant to happen that way*
It's funny how some things you hear people say out loud, you have maybe even the same thing, but when u actually hear yourself hear it in a dream it just clicks on such a new level. At least thats the way its worked for me. Today one of the girls i was talking to was mentioning about how she got this letter from someone that was pretty much a cry out of patheticness "I need you back", "im sorry"...blah blah blah....i said jokingly back that it sounds like some of the letters I actually saw myself writing for pretty much the last year or 2 of my life.
In a dream I had 2 nites ago, God showed me some pretty easy life lessons that I even knew already, but just needed them shoved back into my face where in a sense "i woke up". No ones perfect, everyone is always workin on something somewhere. Wether its to build up your faith, or even something like your selfesteem....theres always something goin on in our minds...be honest.
I'm only 20, but being that pretty much means you start recognizing yourself and what your all about. To explain some things from earlier posts from revelations Ive been seeing lately. I keep the term "friend" very far and few between. At least ones that don't believe in God. Now people have had their own misconceptions about this, but I know myself well enough if I dont get myself out of a situation that God told me to get out of, I'm only going to hurt more in the long run. I won't hang out with people that drink, smoke, have sex...all the things that I really dont need to concern myself with....even though their not pressuring me into anything, I know my limits. And I really dont need any temptation around me, more than can come. Hense why I take my breaks from the non-christians. Now as far as the christian ones, Lord knows that in order for him to work I need to get kicked out for a while haha. Pretty easy.
Ive always been one to clean up "other peoples messes" because 1 it kept me distracted from my own, and 2 it gave me something to do. Well the thing is, its unhealthy. In the past 4-5 months though, Ive really grown in this area. When the thought of, "well you should help them out, thats what christians do" I sit, say whats up God and go from there. I must give myself a pat on the back because of the fact ive been really aware of this, I really let go of hurt a lot faster. Live, let live, and move on. If things are meant to work out somehow, they always will. Stick by it haha
I started writing this, not to just get some things out of my head, but hopefully show you all out there that these are the things that Ive done to get me where I am. Now I understand completly that everyones journey is different, and its not meant to work out the same, but the advice given is there for some motivation. I have a quiet place that I go to about once a month, not far from where I live where I sit for about 30 min or an hr depending on when I feel to leave. My quiet place is just something that even though may not make sense to most, it does to me...its the one place where I can really get a reality check and "wake up", its where I am the most humble.
Everyone I've ever met, has made an impact on me reguardless of everything that may or may not have happened. A lesson learned. Wether its learning how to open up, build up coinfidence, learning how to do things more effectively....whatever the case theres always something to see. Theres a purpose for God placing them in my life at the time he has. Some are just there to show me how to have fun again and not always be *working* haha (GCS1/GCS2/OGD LOL, Cheesecake!, SieSie) lol. I'm one to break one down to a *T* because if I know from the start how something works, then it can help me learn and teach someone else how to do it later on.
As humans we always try to work things out to the way we would like them to, or would see the plan outlined. The truth is, "the plan" never goes the way we see it so why frustrate yourself over it when its really not in your control. Instead embrace those around you, do what you love to do, and always appreciate today, because tomorrow isn't guarenteed.
My words of wisdom tonite:
Take walks when its nice out day and nite, and look at the moon. Then take a look at who you are. Is it really where you want to be, and are you really with who your destined to be with?
--its pretty funny cause when I say that people come to think that I mean a 2nd person of course, but the fact remains that I'm referring to that person as you. Think that one over
When your happy, you don't ever need to express it, your spirit will.
Smile because someone who isnt trying to make you do it, just can trigger it.
If you try to hold on, maybe thats the release you need to finally let it go.
Funny voices always make stories funnier!
It's funny how some things you hear people say out loud, you have maybe even the same thing, but when u actually hear yourself hear it in a dream it just clicks on such a new level. At least thats the way its worked for me. Today one of the girls i was talking to was mentioning about how she got this letter from someone that was pretty much a cry out of patheticness "I need you back", "im sorry"...blah blah blah....i said jokingly back that it sounds like some of the letters I actually saw myself writing for pretty much the last year or 2 of my life.
In a dream I had 2 nites ago, God showed me some pretty easy life lessons that I even knew already, but just needed them shoved back into my face where in a sense "i woke up". No ones perfect, everyone is always workin on something somewhere. Wether its to build up your faith, or even something like your selfesteem....theres always something goin on in our minds...be honest.
I'm only 20, but being that pretty much means you start recognizing yourself and what your all about. To explain some things from earlier posts from revelations Ive been seeing lately. I keep the term "friend" very far and few between. At least ones that don't believe in God. Now people have had their own misconceptions about this, but I know myself well enough if I dont get myself out of a situation that God told me to get out of, I'm only going to hurt more in the long run. I won't hang out with people that drink, smoke, have sex...all the things that I really dont need to concern myself with....even though their not pressuring me into anything, I know my limits. And I really dont need any temptation around me, more than can come. Hense why I take my breaks from the non-christians. Now as far as the christian ones, Lord knows that in order for him to work I need to get kicked out for a while haha. Pretty easy.
Ive always been one to clean up "other peoples messes" because 1 it kept me distracted from my own, and 2 it gave me something to do. Well the thing is, its unhealthy. In the past 4-5 months though, Ive really grown in this area. When the thought of, "well you should help them out, thats what christians do" I sit, say whats up God and go from there. I must give myself a pat on the back because of the fact ive been really aware of this, I really let go of hurt a lot faster. Live, let live, and move on. If things are meant to work out somehow, they always will. Stick by it haha
I started writing this, not to just get some things out of my head, but hopefully show you all out there that these are the things that Ive done to get me where I am. Now I understand completly that everyones journey is different, and its not meant to work out the same, but the advice given is there for some motivation. I have a quiet place that I go to about once a month, not far from where I live where I sit for about 30 min or an hr depending on when I feel to leave. My quiet place is just something that even though may not make sense to most, it does to me...its the one place where I can really get a reality check and "wake up", its where I am the most humble.
Everyone I've ever met, has made an impact on me reguardless of everything that may or may not have happened. A lesson learned. Wether its learning how to open up, build up coinfidence, learning how to do things more effectively....whatever the case theres always something to see. Theres a purpose for God placing them in my life at the time he has. Some are just there to show me how to have fun again and not always be *working* haha (GCS1/GCS2/OGD LOL, Cheesecake!, SieSie) lol. I'm one to break one down to a *T* because if I know from the start how something works, then it can help me learn and teach someone else how to do it later on.
As humans we always try to work things out to the way we would like them to, or would see the plan outlined. The truth is, "the plan" never goes the way we see it so why frustrate yourself over it when its really not in your control. Instead embrace those around you, do what you love to do, and always appreciate today, because tomorrow isn't guarenteed.
My words of wisdom tonite:
Take walks when its nice out day and nite, and look at the moon. Then take a look at who you are. Is it really where you want to be, and are you really with who your destined to be with?
--its pretty funny cause when I say that people come to think that I mean a 2nd person of course, but the fact remains that I'm referring to that person as you. Think that one over
When your happy, you don't ever need to express it, your spirit will.
Smile because someone who isnt trying to make you do it, just can trigger it.
If you try to hold on, maybe thats the release you need to finally let it go.
Funny voices always make stories funnier!