It's almost 3 years exactly since graduation and around this time I always sit back and realize how much I've grown from then to now, and how the world around me has amazingly changed. There was a teacher I had my senior year at Pocono Mountain, that at the time, we just didnt see eye to eye on anything. But God had me write a letter to her and let her know how things went and how well their going. (This has been happenin a lot lately, so dont be surprised if you recieve something from me haha)
Now somehow I ended up in her class, which all the booksmart kids where in. Here I am not even willing to read 1 book the whole semister, and their reading 1 a week. Of course because i lashed back, my grade suffered dramatically, not to mention I was going through the worse case of depression known to man. Things left and right in my life where just going down the drain, and I was about to add high school to the list. My life sucked and I didnt see anywhere else to turn but farther down. About 2 months or so before graudation was coming up this teacher pulled me aside and let me know about this remediation course I could take to try and enhance my chance of even passing. Technically I shouldn't of even been able to take it because my average was literally nothing left to salvage. It was mainly set up for students that where just barely failing, yea...I was definitly worse off then all of them!
She got me set up in it though, and I had to literally do a semisters work of Academic English in no time at all. Mrs. Laughna isnt just your average english teacher either, she has structure unlike any teacher I have ever come across, and pushes you literally to the point of no return. I look back now and appreciate it more than she could ever know, but at the time....yea, that just was not happening! Still though I gave everything I had plus more, and with the end result I graduated. She was not the only teacher I had a problem with, believe me there was definitly another one who didnt wanna see any good happen from me, but I couldnt concentrate on that. As long as I graduated I would be happy.
I wrote her a highly long letter, and here is part of her reply:
"What you have helped me realize is that the effort I put forth does sometimes make a difference. We teachers rarely know if we have had any effect on our students. The most frustrating part of teaching is that in spite of the fact that remediation exists and we keep the door open, occasionally a student still decides to not walk through the door. You were stubbornly committed and did not give up when your graduation was in jeopardy. That was why you succeeded. You rose to the challenge when you absolutely had to. Thank you for giving me some credit, but really ultimately your life was in your hands and you knew it. I was just a facilitator.
You look great and you seem happy and I am so happy for you. Life is often difficult, but you have realized that faith in yourself, other good people, and the Creator will help you find your way. Never give up on yourself or on life. "
....Even after high school she still has made me see things that maybe I have already heard once or twice but just never dusted off the dirt to see it again. As a Christian, we are sometimes put in the same position, we talk and show people our lives to where theres nothing hidden, but there are times where we really don't get the chance to see if we helped out as much as we wanted to. But its kinda like Mrs. Laughna said in a sense, despite the fact that God exists, sometimes people still decide to not walk through the door and see something that they maybe arent ready or willing to see yet. The question is will you ever be though? Whenever I was approached about it, I always came up a million and one reasons on why I hated God and basically everytime someone answered it, I couldnt come up with anything else. Sometimes you just need to stop asking, and start doing. Maybe its because your not ready to put aside the life you live now for something that you don't know much about. But really, how can you know what you really want until you have something to put against it.
Don't wait till the last second to have someone come rescue you, because you don't know really if that chance will ever come. I gave up, and its because of God that her heart changed towards me and gave me the favor I needed to get through the hardest time ever in my life. About a month later I gave my life to God, and you know the rest. You and God are the only ones that know where your faith reside. No matter how much someone knows me, or how much time we hang out together, only I know exactly where my faith is and how much God really is my life, not a part of my life, but is my life. Yes sometimes you heart will hurt, but it won't hurt as bad as it once did. There are still times that you will be faced with things that you won't know how to handle, but thats just it, it wont be your battle anymore to fight. I see now that I cant let some parts come into my life, and keep others out. I'm tired of comprimising my faith just so I can be cool with someone, or fit in somewhere that I was never made to fit in to. People will stop talking to you, your atmosphere around you will be a lot lighter, but whats more important to you, joy and peace or being "repsected" if thats really even the case.
I was put here to encourage you, whether it be about God, or anything else going on in your life that you need it for. There comes a point though that I need to let go of your hand and see if you can really do it on your own without me. I won't be here forever, and to know that someone has gained something from me in the area of faith building, or bringing the truth when really dont want to hear it is all I am happy with honestly. The ones that are meant to be in my life will always be there no matter what arises through our relationship. Theres always a time to forgive and let go. I look back sometimes and it makes me ill to think about all the garbage I used to do and what I put people through. I used to laugh about some of it, but really whats funny about pain and heartache. Hurting people, hurt people, and thats exactly what I did. Satan will use you any way he can, dont ever be fooled by that. And just because you dont believe in something, doesnt mean it doesnt exist.
Believe to see instead of Seeing to Believe...
...come once, and if you want to keep yourself the way you are, then fine you can do that, but until you make that move to look at something different then nothing with me will change. For every person that has read this blog, I've given you a part of me that some people would father not see. Yea i crack jokes and dont make sense to you from time to time, but I've always made an attempt to get to know your life and help you out the best I can. Now can you take a second to hop into mine, or will temptation, lust, depression, anger, frustration, and everything else continue to hold you and make you believe that its really what you desire. Pastor D said something during church 1 sunday, Dont take advice from people that aren't where you want to be. Someone that divorced 1,2,3...times can't give you advice on how to be successful in a marriage. I HATED church, everyone knows it, and thats how their shocked if they run into me now. I found something thats not like your typical "roman catholic" church. Now im not knockin em, if thats what you love, then more power to ya, but I wanna know how to better my life, not live to a 45min ritual every week...or better yet holiday ;)
I've asked everyone what they really want out of life and they all have the same reply, I want it but it cant happen because of a. b. and c. Well my reply to you is, its not possible because your not willing to give up those things? Now knowning that, do you still want it bad enough?? Yea Satan might let you get a taste of it a little, but then have it ripped away. Wouldn't you rather go to a buffet where you can eat everything you want and never gain a pound? All you have to do is stop being tired of getting beat up and say OK. You all say your willing to try everything and anything, but are you really?
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